Written by Theresa
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Topics: Musical, weight

Saturday, 29 July 2006

image for Portman Becomes Portly For Part
Just Call Her Natalie Portly

Gearing up for her starring role in the musical drama, "F for Fat," Natalie Portman has put on an excess of 250 pounds. Up from her normal weight of 69 pounds, Ms. Portman is, admittedly, desperate to catch up with the star status of her former Star Wars lookalike and stand-in, Keira Knightly, whose acting career has eclipsed that of Portman's with a series of critically aclaimed movies, including the block buster "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies.

"In retrospect, I think I would have been better off playing the second banana (ooh, that word makes me hungry)." She says. "When directors saw me, all they could think of was Queen Amidala and Pez dispensers (Yum). I couldn't find a decent script."

Portman's most recent film, "V for Vendetta," required the shaving of her head, which actually occurred in a scene in the movie.

"An actor or actress should be willing to do whatever it takes to bring a character to life," Portman insists. "For this part, that meant adding a few pounds. You will see the character, whose name is Sheira Shitely, go from a whopping 320 pounds to the more acceptable weight of 69 pounds, with the help of a Lindsay Lohan lookalike."

Why a musical? "Because I like to sing." She chuckles. "But I do it in the beginning, not at the end. By the end of the movie, I'm to weak to squeak, but I'm skinny. That's what counts."

Friends expressed concern when Natalie's 5 foot 2 inch frame became wider than she was tall. "My friend Dana, who weighs 53 pounds, made me promise I will get back down to 69 pounds as soon as the movie was finished. I promised I would. For now, I am eating all the french fries I can get my hands on."

And onion rings and cheeseburgers and Twinkies and Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. "After it's over, I'll go back to eating grass and Ex-lax."

What's next on Portman's agenda? "I'm going to lose 270 pounds so I can play the part of a rising starlet named Mindy Mohan. It will be called 'S for Sickly.' Then, I'll spend 7 months in a tanning booth for 'C for
Cancer.' And then..."

And then, you can guess the rest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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