Written by Simon Saunders
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Tuesday, 27 November 2012

image for Helen Flanagan Pouts Her Way Out Of The Jungle
Without a mirror Flanagan made a terrible mess of her lipstick

Former Coronation Street star Helen Flanagan has become the latest celebrity to be voted off ITV's 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!'

Upon her departure most of the remaining celebrities seemed genuinely sorry that she'd gone, except for former darts world champion Eric "The Crafty Cockney" Bristow, who declared, "Thank f*** for that. Daft mare." Before sparking up his three hundredth ciggie of the day in celebration.

Her time in the jungle will probably be best remembered for her pathetic attempts to win meals for her fellow camp mates in the daily bushtucker trials.

The viewing public hilariously chose her to do the first six trials in this years show with Flanagan failing to win a single meal in the first five. On her sixth trial she managed to get almost all the stars resulting in her starving camp mates being fed. Much to their delight, and surprise.

Following her success Twitter was awash with people speculating that the appalling performances in the first five trials were all an act in an attempt to garner sympathy from the shows notoriously unsympathetic audience. We suspect these people hadn't seen her "acting" when she played Rosie Webster on Corrie as it's not what you'd call her strong suit. She is much more adept at wandering around wide-eyed while pouting and exposing her bosoms for the publics titilation, although Bristow came a close second with his wobbling man-boobs.

Flanagan, who claims she is very independent despite admitting that she doesn't know how to blow-dry her own hair and has her towels dry-cleaned, also caused much amusement when she slathered herself in fake tan and ended up looking like a reject from the BBC's 60's/70's TV racist-athon 'The Black and White Minstrel Show.'

She also flipped her lid when the camps only mirror went missing after boxer David Haye hid it as part of a secret challenge.

Now she's out of the jungle she'll be hoping for some much needed work and her agent claims that since the fake tan incident she has been inundated with calls from various woodstain and varnish companies who want her client as their public face with Ronseal currently heading the pack.

Others have suggested she will probably spend the next few months getting her kit off in a selection of UK lads mags before being forgotten about.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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