Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 22 November 2012

image for Angelina Jolie Tells Brad Pitt - Lose Weight Or I Won't Marry You
Jolie has put her foot down and told Brad that he had better lose some weight.

NEW YORK CITY - Angelina Jolie has shown that when she gets upset her nails come out and she starts scratching whatever is handy in order to make her point.

And her latest point deals with soon-to-be-hubby Brad Pitt's sudden weight gain.

Jolie told Vodka Vermicelli with iRumors that lately all Brad has wanted to do is to collect NBA basketball bubblegum trading cards, recite knock-knock jokes he read on the Internet, watch television, and eat, and eat, and eat.

She confessed that the other day when Brad walked into the food pantry she had to do a double take because for a second she thought it was Chaz Bono.

Angelina, who does not miss an opportunity to try and belittle, degrade, and insult Brad, recently told him that if he doesn't stop eating for three and putting on weight he is going to start looking like Christina Aguilera except a lot taller, with a much deeper voice, and a lot more facial hair.

Brad reportedly knows how to push her buttons and responded by saying that he bets that Jennifer Aniston would take him back quicker than Whoopi Goldberg can say "Pass me dem collared greens ya hear?"

An unnamed employee at the Pitt-Jolie household stated off-the-record that Miss Angelina had told her that if Brad does not lose weight she is going to break off their wedding engagement.

Jolie told Miss Vermicelli that Brad spends most of his free time parked in front of the big screen television. She noted that she does not call him a couch potato but instead refers to him as a sofa spud.

SIDENOTE: iRumors reported that Pitt's favorite cable channel is the Nourishment Network. And his favorite shows are The Muffin Makers, Welcome To Hot Dog Haven, and Guacamole Goes With Everything.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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