Written by K.C. Bell
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Tuesday, 18 July 2006

image for Rachael Ray Has Thirty Minute Breakdown
A quicker thirty minute meal.

The Seattle Times said it was bound to happen: Rachael Ray has thirty minute breakdown. After whipping up meals on a nightly basis in just thirty minutes for the last five years, including a hour long Thanksgiving supper, Ms. Ray collapsed behind her splintered cutting board, while preparing a thirty minute picnic feast for sixty. She was carted away by ambulance still gripping her faithful - but dull - Santoku chef's knife, and similar to Dr. Strangelove, continued working it in a chopping motion. Always the master of innovation and all things good, Martha Stewart suggested that someone should have put a head of cabbage under the knife and the ambulance crew could have ended up with a bowl of cole slaw by the time they reached the institution.

Bobby Flay, also of the Food Network, Iron Chef fame and a baker's half dozen successful restaurants, added an unequivocal: "Nah." He suggested that the cabbage head under her cleaver chopping hand would produce a mushy kind of cabbage congee. Better to slip a side of beef under the chopper, add a raw egg and onion two minutes from the hospital, ending up with steak tartar for the ambulance crew just as they rolled into the emergency entrance.

Semi-Homemade Food Network's Sandra Lee had a different recipe for success. Back to the cabbage, but remove the cole slaw halfway to the clinic/spa, add a package of Hidden Valley Ranch slaw dressing and serve it to the crew after delivering Ms. Ray to the deep freeze.

Always an entertaining refuge away from the daily news, the Food Network maintains a list of creative cooking programs, competitions and entertaining presentations for viewers. Unlike the fumbling Bush administration, people running the Food Network convey the confidence of professionalism and know how. Emeril would make a excellent President of the U.S. And what a happy and comforting contrast to Dick Cheney the Barefoot Contessa would make as Vice President. Bobby Flay wouldn't need the military if he were Secretary of Defense. Also absent from his plate would be smarmy jokes about ill equipped Humvees to desperate soldiers pleading for help. And who wouldn't welcome smiling Giada De Laurentiis as Secretary of State. Bet she could connect the dots at age three.

Meanwhile, after a thirty day stay at an undisclosed sanitarium, a rested Rachael Ray was released and ready to return to work. To guard against another meltdown, the Food Network extended her program to 35 minutes, giving her more time to prepare her meals.

"No can do, sweetheart. I live on thirty minute increments. I'll eliminate serving the crudités."

Bamm!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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