Written by Simon Saunders
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Monday, 30 July 2012

image for Jeremy Kyle To Host New ITV Show 'That's My Bastard!'
This knackered television perfectly represents the state of British T.V programming.

ITV have announced that their new Saturday night reality show 'That's My Bastard!' will be hosted by everyone's favourite King of Sneering, Jeremy Kyle.

The controversial show will replace Paddy McGuiness' awful 'Take Me Out'.

In the show, absent fathers will be given the chance to win full custody or the right to have nothing to do with their child.

The show will see a line-up of five kids all born out of wedlock, one of them the child of the contestant, asked a series of questions over four rounds. At the end of each round a child will be eliminated by the father with the words "That's Not My Bastard!"

When there is just one child left the father will declare "That's My Bastard!" before the big reveal to see if he is right. If the father has chosen correctly he will then be given the chance to claim full custody if he likes the look of his child or he can dismiss the child and have nothing more to do with them. If he is wrong he will have to pay full child support but will not be allowed to see his child.

Kyle's main function on the show will be to behave like God. He will also goad the fathers until they become agitated. At this point he will suggest they have a bit of a temper and continue to needlessly provoke them.

An ITV insider told us, " It's a real high stakes show and we believe Jeremy is the only man for the job. All these poor kids have the stigma of being born out of wedlock as well as not having their dads around. This show is the perfect solution for the kids."

Questions have been raised over the exploitative nature of the show with many claiming that it is a new low for British television.

We asked our ITV insider about what happens to the kids who are not the "bastard." He said, " They will be returned to the orphanage from where they came with a weeks supply of gruel and a packet of blackcurrant chewits. A fair deal I'm sure you'll agree.

We attempted to speak to Jeremy Kyle but he was unavailable for comment as he was busy belittling stupid people on his local High Street.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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