Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 20 July 2012

image for The U.S. Health Department Has Banned Jessica Simpson's Diet
Jessica states that she will certainly comply 100 percent with the U.S. Health Department mandate.

LOS ANGELES - Since having her baby on May 1, Jessica Simpson has tried desperately to lose some of the astounding weight she gained during her 10 month pregnancy.

She recently sat down with Kiowa Kettle of Tittle Tattle Tonight and quipped that the way her non-weight loss is going her baby Maxwell House Drew Simpson-Johnson will be lip syncing before she gets back to her old weight.

Jessica confided to Miss Kettle that she is afraid that if she does not start losing some of her weight her fiancee Eric Johnson may become her ex-future husband.

She then pointed out that as if things aren't already bad enough, she just received a notice from the United States Department of Health that they are banning her so called Jessica Simpson Liquid Concoction Diet.

Simpson told the 3T reporter that the diet which consists of ketchup, Diet 7-Up, jalapeƱo seeds, a nectarine, Ex-Lax, and woodchuck lips has been shown to cause adverse effects in certain overweight women.

The notice went on to say that females who have just had a baby and who are 80 pounds or more overweight run the risk of developing tonsillitis, a horrible yeast infection, and could have one or both of their ovaries suddenly become unhinged.

The official federal notice makes it very clear that Simpson is not to recommend her liquid concoction diet to anyone, and if it is learned that she has, she could face a fine of up to $85,000 plus two to three months in prison.

In Happier News. Nancy Pelosi has just announced that a team of Memphis specialists went in and re-adjusted her vocal cords so there is no longer the possibility that she could end up sounding like Daffy Duck.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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