Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 16 June 2012

image for Reg Bond Reveals Why He Turned Down The Holly Willoughby And Tulisa Jobs
Women The World Over Can't Help Pining For Reg Bond

Aspiring Burnley chip shop owner and former bodyguard to the stars, Reg Bond, today revealed exclusively to SEN the reasons why he turned down bodyguard jobs with This Morning's Holly Willoughby and Tulisa out of X-Factor and N-Dubz.

Speaking from a shared room in a B&B in Burnley's Duke Bar area - famed for its meat pies - Reg candidly revealed that he turned down gigs with Holly and Tulisa because he was concerned that they may have fallen head over heels in love with him, and that had that happened, it would have been unprofessional for him to reciprocate.

"Holly was the first one to approach me," Reg revealed as he rolled a cigarette and cracked open a litre bottle of Greased Lightning super strength cider. "I went to speak to her in her dressing room at the This Morning studios. You can imagine my surprise when she answered my knock on her dressing room door wearing only a towel. As soon as I walked in, I knew that it wasn't going to work. She started fluttering her eyelashes at me - she has the most incredibly luxuriant eyelashes, and this sort of Princess Diana type demure shyness thing going on. I realised that I couldn't protect her, because she'd probably fall in love with me. So I made my excuses and left. She's a sweet girl, and I didn't want to be the one to break her heart."

Reg went on to reveal that a few weeks later he was approached by Tulisa off the X-Factor and N-Dubz, but became visibly emotional before refusing to continue. However, Reg's best friend, who goes by the street name of Billy Blowlamp told SEN:

"Reg doesn't like talking about Tulisa. He gets all emotional, like. When she asked him to be her bodyguard it was at a difficult period in her life - when all that internet stuff surfaced. Reg thought she was incredibly sweet, but the warning signs were all there. Within seconds, it became obvious to him that Tulisa was falling for him. Whatever you may say about Reg, he isn't the type to exploit a vulnerable young lady. So he turned her offer down flat - albeit reluctantly. Pity really - they'd have made a right grand couple. Can we have our money now? Only the pub's open and I'm out of baccy."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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