Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 16 June 2012

image for Joan Rivers Says That Lindsay Lohan Needs To Get Into Rehab Soon Before She Totally Implodes!
Friends of Lindsay Lohan say she needs to settle down before its too late. (Photo by Paris Hilton).

NEW YORK CITY - Joan Rivers traveled back to her beloved New York City to spend some time with some old friends and to visit her $50 million.

The undisputed "Queen of Mean" talked with Tilapia Frisbee of The Right Coast Illustrated Revue and said that she is concerned about Samantha Ronson's ex-fiancée Lindsay "Little Lost LiLo" Lohan.

Rivers stated Lohan's recent automobile accident clearly shows that she has no business behind the wheel of a car that is actually moving.

The stand up comedian added that now, Lindsay's most recent headline grabbing incident involves her being found passed out in the luxurious Mrs. Ponce De Leon Hotel in Beverly Hills.

The 25-year-old freckle-faced actress reportedly told Beverly Hills detectives Itzhak Goldenhaus and Francisco Salsa that she feels that she passed out from eating a pack of Hostess Twinkies that had an expiration date of Tuesday, September 13, 2011.

River's stressed that Lohan's roller coaster ride of horrendous behavior is creeping up on her and if she doesn't stop acting like a discount bin version of Paris "Me, Me, Me" Hilton she is going to simply end up "Imploding."

America's oldest female comedian stated that Lohan has just about used up all of her chances and she is now using some of Denise Richards', Courtney Love's, and Heather Locklear's.

Joan told Miss Frisbee that she is willing to have her California chauffeur Cunningham P. Kaufmanshick pick up Lindsay and personally drive her dysfunctional butt to The Henry & Betty Ford Rehab Clinic.

Rivers noted that she has already placed a call to the rehab clinic's executive director Cayenne Gayla Wheatgrass.

Ms. Wheatgrass informed Ms. Rivers that she checked Miss Lohan's record file from her previous stays and that patient #73013 (Lindsay Lohan) can check in as soon as possible and she can even have her old room.

Rivers told Miss Frisbee that she is thrilled that the worst thing that her own daughter, the semi-attractive Melissa, has ever done is hang up when Mitt Romney recently called her asking for her vote.

Joan "The Moan," as the "First Mama" Michelle Obama calls her, added that two years ago Mel actually put a "Kick Me" sign on Mike Tyson's back at a Pomona fundraiser to aid The Home For Retired Boxers Who Bit Their Opponents During At Least One Bout.

Tilapia Frisbee called up Lindsay Lohan and asked her what she thought about Joan Rivers being so concerned about her.

"LiLo" grinned, took three sips of her Anaconda Shooter, and remarked "That's nice. Golly gee that's so nice. Ah now tell me again, who the hell is this Joan Rivers woman?"

SIDENOTE: One of Lindsay Lohan's closest friends, Bella Puffasetti, 28, has suggested that maybe "LiLo" needs to get an electronic ankle bracelet monitoring device for each ankle plus an electronic neck bracelet monitoring device for her neck.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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