Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 13 June 2012

image for Charlie Sheen Says That Contrary To All The Rumors He And Whoopi Goldberg Are Not An Item
Charlie's pet rooster Mr. Cock-A-Doodle-Doo. (Photo courtesy of Ashton Kutcher).

SHERMAN OAKS - Charlie Sheen has been described as being to common sense what Sarah "The Moose Mama" Palin is to geography.

But the 46-year-old laughs and says that sticks and stones can break his bones but if you really want to hurt him make 603 pound Gabourey Sidibe sit on his face.

The actor known as "The Space Cadet" is as happy as a turtle in a snail race over the fact that he will be returning back to television.

He has a new show that is based on his life appropriately called Anger Management.

Sheen recently sat down with Ersatz Pontoon of Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres in his Mulholland Drive Estates mansion in Sherman Oaks.

Pontoon asked him about the present rumor making the rounds of LaLaLand that has him and Whoopi Goldberg engaging in the horizontal hokey-pokey.

Charlie began coughing and nearly spilled his bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila all over his pet rooster Mr. Cock-A-Doodle-Doo.

He gained his composure and remarked that he has never met Whoopi Goldberg nor does he ever care to.

Sheen then grinned and said that he is sure she is a wonderful lady and that she can probably name all of the state capitals but that he would never ever date her.

"Because she's black?" Pontoon asked.

"No dude." Sheen replied. "I wouldn't date her because I would be afraid that she would knock the hell out of me with her humongously huge dreadlocks during an episode of mattress frolicking.

Charlie told Pontoon to be sure and let his listeners know that he and Goldberg are not an item.

Sheen then changed the subject and said that after months and months of soul searching he has finally gotten past all of his BS 101 regarding his two girl goddesses, the term "Winning," the silly "Tiger Blood," and his obsession with Paris Hilton's navel.

Carlitos, as his brother Emilio Estevez calls him, told Pontoon that he really learned the harshness of the world of reality with the poor showing of last summer's Charlie Sheen's Traveling Dysfunctional Carnival Sideshow and Ego Booster Tour which was officially known as My Violent Winning Torpedo of Truth Vs. The Losing Trolls of Lies Tour.

The former star of Two and A Half Men said that it was a total waste of time, effort, and money and it actually ended up losing $19,817.51

Charlie said that he had to sell off "Shortcake" one of his imported Lower Zamgolan miniature giraffes to cover the loses.

In Food News. Arkansas has just banned the eating of macaroni anywhere within its borders. A spokesperson for the governor added that it has nothing at all to do with the song "Yankee Doodle."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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