Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 31 May 2012

image for Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart To Star In "Moonlight - The Very Last Shark Attack Movie Ever, Promise"
Sharon The Shark has appeared in four shark movies including "The Shark From Hell." (Photo by Ashton Kutcher).

HOLLYWOOD - Well summertime is right around the corner and that can only mean one thing. Get ready for the onslaught of shark attack motion pictures.

According to the Motion Picture Coalition Commission each summer Hollywood movie studios release at least half a dozen films dealing with sharks, beaches, dolphins, bikini babes, and surfing.

And this year is no different as four movie studios are releasing movies about shark attacks.

In mid-June TouchRock films will release a movie which stars Brooklyn Decker, Scarlett Johansson, Jack Nicholson, and in his first movie appearance FuFi Fondue noted hair stylist to the stars.

The motion picture is titled, The Great White Friggin Shark That Bit The Santa Monica Pier In Half.

The following week Pipe Dream Films will premier the motion picture The Shark From Hell which will star three unknown actors Pompano Paffasetti, Flauta Wigglesworth, and Aphrodite Dufftucker.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Flauta Wigglesworth is the niece of Vice-President Joe Biden.]

In early July, Cinema Castle Productions will release Clint Eastwood's shark thriller titled A Fistful of Shark Food, which will feature Taylor Lautner in the role of legendary sardine boat captain Wilcox "Jellyfish" Whiskeybread.

Bedroom Pillow Talk reported that Eastwood wanted George Clooney to play the role of Captain Whiskeybread but apparently Clooney was too busy with his girlfriend, the lusciously long-legged Stacey Keibler.

In mid-July Lion's Face Films will have the movie premier of the Monteverdi brothers movie Moonlight - The Very Last Shark Attack Movie Ever, Promise.

Starring in the film directed and produced by Staccato and Amaretto Monteverdi will be Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Charlie Sheen, Shakira, and three players of the Miami Marlins baseball team.

Rob Pattinson will be starring in the role of Cheever Butcherbaker, a young Norwegian cuisine major at Left Coast College in Carpinteria, California.

Butcherbaker meets Tiara Tootletock, a pole dancer portrayed by Kristen Stewart, at a Burger Bandit Restaurant in Avocado Heights.

The two hit it off and Tiara soon moves into Cheever's $2.3 million Scandinavian-style beach house in Venice Beach.

The lovestruck couple takes a trip to Catalina Island where they encounter the infamous Argentinian Tierra Del Fuego shark named Moonlight.

The movie will most probably be receiving an R-rating due to explicit language, semi-violence, sexual overtones, graphic scuba diving, and a scene where Cheever passionately rubs sunblock all over Tiara's svelte, alluringly nubile body.

Other Motion Pictures Directed and Produced By
Staccato and Amaretto Monteverdi:

  • The Vampire Diet
  • The Chicken of The Sea - The Story of The Captain of The Costa Concordia Francesco Schettino
  • Dictators Without Borders
  • The Revenge of The Vajazzled Vampire Vixens

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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