Local man - and idiot held in the lowest esteem by all who know him - Martin Shuttlecock, today divulged what he considers to be the key to a successful sex life for men who really want to please the lady in their life - as opposed to just knocking one out while the microwave's on.
Even though nobody with any sense listened.
"Do it like a Beethoven symphony," Shuttlecock divulged (Thankfully not on the carpet. That would have just been wrong on every level.) "It's all about timing - it's about music, it's about building up to a crescendo, then pulling back and starting all over again. It can be a bit hard, or not, as the case may be if one is prone to premature ejaculation, but we won't go there. Think of the Fifth, follow the rhythm. Make it work! She'll love you for it!"
Sex Doctors the world over, who consistently con vulnerable punters into parting with their hard earned cash, admitted that they had no better solution than that offered by Shuttlecock.
"I done told people to do it like Beethoven," said limp wristed sex advisor Fuckmutton T Jerkoff. "But the folks just don't pay any attention to me. They want to do it like The Osmonds - in out and that's it. I done told 'em to do it like Beethoven, but they just couldn't control their Goddam cojones! I can tell you that if I had cojones, I'd be able to control 'em. But I haven't. So I guess it's all academic anyway."
Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, told Skoob Entertainment News:
"It'd be alright if the daft bastard practiced what he preaches but the truth is, he's rubbish in bed. Absolute crap. Three thrusts and it's game over. Useless he is. I'd rather stick a gerbil up me bum. At least I'd feel something."
At which point, Shuttlecock ran upstairs, crying and folding like a little girl.
"You need to do it like Beethoven!" he shouted.
"Yeah, you wish," replied long suffering wife, Anne. "It's just a pity you're more like the Bay City Rollers - tosser!"
"I'm not having that!" Shuttlecock shouted as he retreated up the attic.
"I'll leave it to the milkman then," Anne responded. "He's more of a man than you'll ever be! You big pussy!"
"Just do it like Beethoven and you can't go wrong. Trust me," Shuttlecock announced as he slammed the attic door shut.
"Bollocks! Needle dick!" shouted Anne.
Then we lost the live feed.
More as we get it.