Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 24 April 2012

image for Michael Lohan Sadly Back in the News
Michael Lohan, or the equivalent of a squashed worm, is back in the news.

The entertainment industry had managed to survive a couple of months without a truly preposterous statement coming from a Hollywood wanna-be, but thanks to Michael Lohan, father, convict and ex-husband to a couple of social train wrecks, we must interrupt that harmonious broadcast for the following unimportant message:

"Rosie O'Donnell is a talentless failure", says Michael Lohan, widely recognized and sometimes celebrated paragon of talentless failures. Lohan's declaration had followed some harsh commentary from Ms. O'Donnell about Lindsay Lohan's behavior these past several months.

"Everybody just needs to take a look in the mirror", says entertainment industry analyst Ivanna Mussup-Sheets. "There are far too many talentless failures in the industry to pick from, why do we have to endure the 'Michaels and Rosies' on camera when Lindsay is so much more interesting", says Sheets.

Indeed, most Internet and cable television news sources tell us that it was an extremely slow entertainment news day. "Which is why Michael got his baggy face on camera again", said Sheets. "Apparently there is a groan factor in his interviews. He's horrible to watch and listen to, but you can't take your eyes off him".

Other compared Michael Lohan's presence on camera to be akin to moldy cheese, a flat tire on a roadside car, or a squashed worm on the sidewalk. It isn't really interesting or significant at all, but you'll still take a look.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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