Written by Michael Balton
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Thursday, 19 April 2012

image for Dick Clark Says His Death Was a Blooper, Vows to Return to Times Square for 2013
Times Square waits for the stroke of midnight.

Times Square - Dick Clark has no intention of resting in peace. The television pioneer has brushed off the massive heart attack which led to his death earlier this week, and is busy planning his traditional New Year's Eve broadcast from New York's Times Square.

"Funniest thing. I was at the doctor for my weekly heart exam," Clark said. "He gave me a 95 for the beat, which I thought was pretty good. 'A Hard Days Night' only got an 86, and that was the damn Beatles for God sakes.

"But the next thing you know, I'm fading to black. Luckily, my pal Ed McMahon was there to pull me through. Hi oh!"

Clark says he plans to change the title of his holiday show to "Rockin' Resurrection With the Late Dick Clark."

"We were going to call it 'Strokes, Heart Attacks & Practical Jokes,' but we realized it's tough to play New Year's for laughs," Clark said, adding that he would be hosting the show all by himself this year.

Asked if the public would accept his return, given his demise, Clark replied: "My condition shouldn't be a problem. They seem to like that stiff, Ryan Seacrest."

As to the musical lineup for his holiday show, Clark referred to the Righteous Brothers' hit "Rock 'n Roll Heaven."

"All of the heavy hitters are right here, just like the song says," Clark said. "I was going to sign them up myself, but the devil is in the details, so maybe I'll let him handle it."

Clark's immediate family was caught somewhat unawares by his plans for resurrection. They had reserved $25,000 for the construction of a pyramid in which he was to be interred. The money will be used for some lovely parting gifts instead.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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