Written by Nick Hobbs
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Wednesday, 11 April 2012

image for Secret To Success Finally Revealed By Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell just lurrvves the parsnip...

Simon Cowell, high trousered music mogul and inventor of the sarcastic put-down to already inferior people, has sensationally revealed the secret to his fantastic success in everything he does. Parsnips.

That's right, parsnips. And lot's of them.

Cowell, who famously once punched a pelican in the throat, insists on eating over seventeen pounds of the root vegetable every day.

Breakfast is usually around 11am, where he scoffs parsnip pancakes and a dozen fried parsnip 'discs', a family recipe handed down from his great-grandmother Iris, all washed down with freshly squeezed parsnip juice.

By 1pm the overworked music magnate is feeling peckish again, so his team of chefs prepare a range of parsnip gourmet dishes, from a light parsnip salad to hot parsnip buttered crumpets.

The evening meal, at around 8pm will generally consist of parsnip soup, followed by mashed parsnip and lamb, with a parsnip purée. Parsnip wine is always on hand to quench the thirst.

Cowell, who recently bought a parsnip field in Norfolk, has even taken to bathing in the refined juices of the pastinaca sativa.

But friends are concerned that his addiction is becoming too obsessive.

Fellow music mogul and Cowell whipping-boy Louis Walsh told us "Simon is more concerned with his parsnips than with his other business activities! He never talks to Susan Boyle any more, unless she's baked him a parsnip pie."

And there are health concerns too, as Cowell has begun showing signs of phytophotodermatitis, an irritation caused by furanocoumarin in the plants leaves.

"After prolonged bathing in the juices, Mr Cowell has severe irritation around the eyes, and softer tissues of the body," Dr Marvin B DeLange, doctor to the incredibly rich and important told us, "he has taken to wearing his trademark aviator sunglasses all the time, even inside and at night."

But Cowell remains unphased.

"He loves them so much, and he attributes all his success to parsnips, he'll never give them up," Walsh continued "he feels that to shun the parsnip would be to shun his success, and that's something he just won't do!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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