Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 14 February 2012

image for The Scantily-Clad Kate Upton Chosen As The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover Girl
Kate Upton's itsy bitsy two-piece swimsuit could easily fit inside this coffee cup. (Photo by Rico Chorizo).

NEW YORK CITY - Just in time to warm things up a bit, the 2012 edition of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue has hit the stands.

And this year's cover girl is 19-year-old Kate Upton. Kate "The Great" as everyone of her boyfriends has called her appeared on the cover wearing what is probably one of the skimpiest bikini bottoms in the history of the swimsuit edition.

Rufus Reno, a reporter with Sports Balls Illustrated Weekly noted that Miss Upton's itsy bitsy bright red bikini could very easily fit into a standard coffee cup.

The new SI cover girl was born in the Automotive State of Michigan, but her family soon moved down to Melbourne, Florida to be near relatives, sun drenched beaches, and oranges.

And at the age of 16 Kate's aunt and uncle Auburnisha Jo and McClellan Bobby Figglebocker bought her, her very first first bikini swimsuit for Christmas and after that there was just no looking back.

At the age of 17, Kate was voted The Queen of the Hurricane State Navel Orange Festival.

She quickly followed that up with other honors including Princess of The Pensacola Papaya Parade and she was voted Florida's Miss Citrus Merriment of 2011.

And through it all Kate has managed to stay grounded. As her high school geography teacher Buford "The Globe" Skillwillken, 59, noted, "Our Kate is a very special young lady. And not because she has everything that every American girl would want to have and in the right places but because when it comes to things of a geographical nature she can make Alaska's Sarah "Loose Moose" Palin seem like a fetus."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Mr. Skillwillken is presently on administrative leave after having made some inappropriate remarks about the Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon who is a cult hero in Florida.]

The 5-foot-10-inch tall Kate recently appeared in the Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy movie Tower Heist. When asked if she would like to become a movie star, Upton pondered the question for a few moments and then replied "Yes, either an actress or maybe I can take Vanna White's place on Wheel of Fortune since at 54, she is starting to have a bit of a hard time dealing with the letter turning."

FOOTNOTE: Kate Upton's current boyfriend is Mark Sanchez, quarterback for The New York Jets. But as everyone knows once a young woman gets on the cover of The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, she is besieged by millions and millions of offers from all kinds of males wanting to be her new boyfriend.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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