In Sunday's shock development, as revealed in explicit detail in the Sunday redtops, we here at SEN can almost but not quite exclusively reveal, that local man, Martin Shuttlecock, has invited Bollywood icon Aishwarya Rai down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, for tacos, fajitas, burritos, tequila slammers, and a closed session at Paco's Sombrero And Pork Pie Hat Exchange Store in Calle Chicharito, in the idyllic Central American seaside resort.
And that Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, is not at all pleased about it.
"I'll kill him!" Anne cried, as she grabbed a cleaver from the block. "I'll kill him! Where is he? I'll chop his blinking Northern Rock off!"
But Shuttlecock was nowhere to be found, as he had long ago had it away on his Barley Mows down the nearest rub-a-dub, where he sat in a Jack Horner sinking a Belgian vessel and pretended to be a Cockernee.
Hoping that nobody would notice and grass him up.
Meanwhile, in Mumbai, Aishwarya Rai's gardener, Gurdeep Singh, told SEN over the phone:
"Who the heck is Maxwell Skittleblock? Let me tell you matey chum, that Mrs Aishwarya Bachchan, formerly Aishwarya Rai, Miss World 1994 and award winning star of Devdas, Guru and Enthiran knows nothing of Maxwell Skittleblock and has no intention of going down to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico - or anywhere else for that matter - with him. So you can be putting that in your blooding pipe and be fire smoking it. Off to be flocking! Goodbye!"
"I wish I'd never started this," Shuttlecock groaned to nobody in particular. "The wife's going to sodding well kill me..."
More as we get it.