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Thursday, 26 January 2012

image for The Second Season of "Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best" Premiers With Joan Having Her 734th Plastic Surgery
Dr. Myron "Snip Snip" Snipowitz (L) removing two ounces of fat from Joan's neck. (Photo by Barbara Walters)

BEVERLY HILLS - The second season of WE TV's Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best has just had its premier and Joan Rivers is her same angry, sarcastic, space alien-looking, meddling self.

The woman known as "The Bitch of Bitterness" admits to having had a total of 733 plastic surgeries and has number 734 on the second season premier.

The Beverly Hills community of plastic surgeons refer to Rivers as Madam Fort Knox.

The Jewish comedian who is 78, but without make up looks 98, spoke with Ling Chow Rangoon of iRumors at one of Joan's favorite restaurants The Enchanted Enchilada located on Rodeo Drive next door to Vanessa's Vajazzling Villa.

The septuagenarian confessed to Miss Rangoon that she has probably spent a total of $4 million on all of her surgeries including her latest one which was to remove some turkey skin from her neck.

Joan said that she got tired of having people give her strange glances just before the Thanksgiving holiday.

Rivers was asked who her plastic surgeon is. She replied that over the years she has literally had about a dozen but that her current one is Dr. Myron "Snip Snip" Snipowitz, 71, who Joan says has seen her naked more times than she has actually seen herself.

She added that what she likes about Dr. Snipowitz is that, unlike some of the other plastic surgeons, he has never once laughed during one of her surgeries.

Joan says another thing she loves about Dr. "Snip Snip" is that he does not charge by the procedure but instead charges by the amount of fat that he removes.

She informed Miss Rangoon that he charges an initial consultation fee of $2,000 and then he charges another $1,000 for the procedure estimate.

After that he charges $5,000 for each half ounce of fat that he removes whether the fat in on her chin, her forehead, her thighs, or on her hooha (biscuit).

Ling Chow asked Rivers at what point will she say "Okay, enough is enough."

Joan rolled her eyes, raised her eyebrows, smacked her lips, dabbed at her crotch area and replied, when she gets to the point where she is so old that she needs to consult MapQuest to find out exactly where the hell her belly button is located.

Rangoon asked if the fact that she now kind of resembles a space alien doesn't bother her.

Rivers did not miss a beat and fired back by asking Rangoon if the fact that she looks like a humongously gigantic fortune cookie with cellulite, stretch marks, love handles, and a moustache doesn't bother her.

Just then Joan's daughter walked in and asked what in the hell the two were yelling about. Joan replied that Miss Rangoon needs to make arrangements to apply at a charm school and try and see about getting some charm before she gets slapped in the mouth by the likes of some hot-headed, employee-hitting skank like Naomi Campbell.

Rangoon replied by telling Melissa that she feels sorry for her for having to put up with living with an old relic of a woman who smells like the inside of a Costa Rican plastic factory.

Just then their waiter Pierre Perez walked over to their table and said that he was going to have to ask them all to leave. Rivers stood up and told him that she wanted for him to put her enchiladas in a 'to go' box and that she would take them home.

Pierre said that she and the other two women were starting to scare the other patrons and he informed them that he would write her a check for $200 if they would all just get the hell out of The Enchanted Enchilada.

Melissa Rivers and Ling Chow Rangoon quickly left. Joan had to be physically carried out by two security guards who each grabbed a hold of one of Joan's varicose-veined legs.

FOOTNOTE: Ling Chow Rangoon stated that Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best was named The Best Show On Television in Portugal, Japan, and Mozambique.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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