Written by drx123
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Friday, 30 December 2011

"Action" is what the Hollywood A-Lister Charlie Sheen shouts to the 30 or so men on a boiling film set in Afghanistan, but far from directing a new film about the war in Afghanistan, Charlie Sheen has been giving acting lessons to Al-Qaeda.

Having been the highest paid actor in American television Charlie Sheen now wishes to pursue a career into directing, and insists "It's a good opportunity to get some experience."

The move came as more and more of Al-Qaeda's operatives are picked up by security for their 'suspicious behaviour.' The idea is to give the potential jihadists acting lessons which they will then be tested on and graded by Mr Sheen before graduation, this causes new problems for Western governments as the suspicious behaviour that normally marks out a terrorist can no longer be used to identify them.

At present, the potential recruits of the Al-Qaeda School for Suicide-bombers (or ASS for short) get very little training in acting. According to the mastermind behind the plan, Hasif Baki, "We aim to focus on blending in, rendering the only line of defence against terrorism (reporting suspicious behaviour) utterly useless." Asked why Charlie Sheen was giving the lessons he said "Well we decided that with his lifestyle - the drugs, alcohol, smoking and casual sex - make him the perfect example of the 'average' American."

Critics of the new plan point out that Mr Sheen's use of method acting, where the actor gets inside the mind of the character he is trying to portray, is making them fat and lazy as they attempt to live like Americans.

"The threat is no longer being caught out by security for acting suspicious" says Imran Fawzi one of the teachers as ASS "but the process of thinking and acting like an American has even more problems. Take our current intake of recruits, we started with 50, we lost 4 to heart disease, 15 are no longer anywhere near the fitness levels required after eating fast food all day, 3 died after trying to set off a bomb without reading the manual and another 4 are suing us for the same incident."

Other high ranking members within AQ are less critical of the plan including the head of the stifling of development section (or SODS) who said "the plan has it's drawbacks and no one resents modernisation more than Al-Qaeda, but membership is declining as it is, and with recent failures we've been forced to change direction."

Military strategists, intelligence agencies and hollywood producers will be watching this new development with interest and apprehension. Eager to capitalise on this new tactic the Royal Shakespeare Society has offered to provide similar services to Mi6 should they be required. For now though, this volatile mix has a long way to go before their ready for their next big show which I'm promised will finish with a bang.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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