Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 21 December 2011

image for Bon Jovi Alive but Generalissimo Francisco Franco is Still Dead

Still fighting Internet rumors and that the 80's rock legend had indeed passed away, Bon Jovi appeared in front of the press this morning holding up a sign that read simply, "I am not dead".

Hoping the quick photo op would quell additional rumors as to his health and/or death, the well coiffed rocker made his appearance and returned to the safety of his home. The fact that he did not answer any questions spurred new rumors that his mouth had already been stitched up by the mortician, and that Bon Jovi has actually been a zombie since 2007.

"It was the sign that was the tip off", says TMZ reporter, Les Izmore. "Clearly he had something to hide, and the sign was his only method of communication". Izmore was also investigating the reported death of former Spanish dictator, Generalissimo Francisco Franco and believed the aging man was still alive, and in hiding. "I figure that if a top notch reporter like Chevy Chase in the 70's kept repeating the news of Franco's death, it had to be a cover up".

With little research at the ready and a penchant for premature gesticulation, Izmore flailed his hands wildly as he tried to defend his assertion that Bon Jovi was the dead one, while Franco remained alive. "It's true damn it", says Izmore. "Just look at how plastic Bon Jovi's face looks. Like it might have been embalmed, right? See? Look at the picture. NO WRINKLES". Izmore was promptly escorted away from Bon Jovi's home by a white van with interior padded walls.

In a related story, a bread truck was involved in a 27 car pile up on a highway just outside of Santa Rosa California. The driver was an elderly man who spoke only Spanish. He emerged from the accident unharmed wearing a gold trimmed military dress jacket complete with nickel plated side arm and ceremonial saber. The truck was from the Franco Bakery, just outside of Santa Rosa. The truck driver identified himself only as "Frank".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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