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Saturday, 26 November 2011

image for Tulisa Contostavlos Laughs Off X Factor Death Threats
The Face Of Fear - An Oik Pictured A Few Minutes Ago In A Masturbatory Frenzy

X Factor judge, Tulisa Contostavlos today laughed off a series of death threats, saying quite frankly that she doesn't give a toss.

It is believed that Tulisa has received the death threats via text messages and on her Twitter account, with promises to track her down and kill her.

Why on earth anyone would want to threaten to kill somebody they don't know, or have never even met, remains a mystery, but apparently some extremely warped individuals get a vicarious thrill out of such activity.

"I can understand why Tulisa isn't remotely concerned," local man, Martin Shuttlecock told a Dorking press conference. "I've been stalked myself, and slagged off on the internet, and it doesn't bother me either. The freaks who waste their time with this kind of nonsense probably think they're being deeply upsetting to their targets, whereas they are just making absolute twats of themselves. It's quite flattering really when somebody gets it into their stupid head to make threats and write malicious lies about you. It just goes to show that you're more important to them, than they'll ever be to you."

Meanwhile, in London, Tulisa told reporters as she set off for the X Factor studios:

"I ain't bovvered mate. It's probably some spotty faced little thirteen year old oik with crooked teeth and bad breath, who'll never, ever get a girlfriend. Sad wanker."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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