Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh go head to head

There has never been a lot of love lost between Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh, but recently things have taken a turn for the worse.

With a string of manufactured boy and girl 'bands' linked to their respective names, the rivalry has been simmering for some years.

However, today, both moguls have revealed new projects which are bound to up the ante between them.

First Simon Cowell announced his new initiative will be called, 'Girls On Top', which he says reflects his own predilection. The group comprises three unknowns from Barnsley: Shanice Mbogo, Destiny Chardonnay O'Gloryhole and Jane Smith. Cowell told us he predicts that they will be huge. In fact, all three girls are huge, having been recruited via a Weight Watchers Talent contest.

Walsh hit back within half an hour, introducing 'The Back-Passage Boys', described as 'a new twist on the Back Street Boys'. "These lads," Walsh commented, "are right up my street. In fact they've moved into my own house."

And Walsh was first to announce a new tour, his new band supporting the already established 'Butthole Surfers'.

"They're going to be huge," predicted a gurning Louis Walsh. "Huger than Cowell's talentless monsters. My aim is to stretch my lads until they can't be stretched any further."

Simon Cowell remains impassive to the Walsh onslaught. "I'm already in the process of grooming five eighteen year-olds with a working name of 'Hefty Pink Labia Lips', who I discovered waitressing in Starbucks. None under fourteen stone. Just imagine them performing with 'Girls On Top'!"

We can't wait.