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Sunday, 20 November 2011

image for Heartbroken Ashton Kutcher Spotted In McDonald's In Dorking Being Consoled By Carol Vorderman
Alf Starling 50 Years Ago At Hammersmith Palais

Although breakdowns in relationships ought never to be taken lightly, there is some degree of jollity to be weaned from the experience of US TV star, Ashton Kutcher, who, according to sources 'will never learn.'

Having wooed and won the target of his desire, the delectable Ms Demi Moore, it appears that he couldn't keep his end up, which resulted in 'the ultimate cougar' setting her sights on Harry out of One Direction, and getting on with life.

Having read on notoriously unreliable website www.TheSpoof.com that his beloved Demi Moore had been seen quaffing pints of Old Peculiar with Harry out of One Direction in the Dorking branch of Wetherspoon's, poor old Ashton jetted out to merrie England and got busy on his iPhone.

According to sources, he was met by a chauffeur driven limousine at Gatwick airport, and driven to Wetherspoon's in the town, where he seemingly enjoyed a brief encounter with former Countdown numbers wiz, the delectable Ms Carol Vorderman - celebrating her win on TV quiz show, The Chase.

Confused? So are we, if that's any consolation.

From that point, according to independent observers, Kutcher and Vorderman retreated to McDonald's and chatted animatedly over a Big Mac and a Quarter-Pounder With Cheese.

Before sharing a Smarties ice-cream McFlurry...and moving on to Hargreaves's pie shop for afters - which consisted of hot pork pies infused with beef gravy, which the couple shared as they strolled down the high street.

"I dunno what happened to Harry out of One Direction," local spinster, Doreen Winkelman, an eyewitness said. "But from what I've heard, he went back to Demi Moore's gaff, and when Kutcher got in, he got into it big time with the Vorderman girl. Personally speaking, and it's just my opinion, and not necessarily how other people look at it, but I think Vorderman is still pining for the late and much lamented Countdown host, Richard Whiteley. Bless her - she must miss the Mayor of Wetwang. Mind you, for a fifty year old, she's still as fit as a butcher's dog."

Fortunately, salvation is at hand for the spurned lovers, with Worthing viagra addict, Alf Starling, 103, who is currently Dorking bound, and determined to cheer up both of the lovely ladies.

"Carol Vorderman and Demi Moore are both superb examples of mature womanhood," Starling said. "And I've got the perfect recipe for cheering them up. A couple of slow waltzes at the Empire ballroom, followed by lemon tea and chocolate cake at Aunt Betty's tea rooms, then back to my hotel room. A bit of Foreigner singing 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' on me ghetto blaster, followed by Michael Bolton singing 'How Am I Supposed To Live Without You' and Marvin Gaye singing 'Sexual Healing' and 'Let's Get It On' and they'll be putty in my hands. A quick reading from must have Christmas stocking filler, 'The Dorking Review' and it'll be game, set, and match. No doubt about it. These ladies desperately require the attentions of a perfect English gentleman, and let's be blunt about this - they won't get that with Harry out of One Direction, or Ashton Kutcher. In any case, if what I've heard is true, neither of those chaps are violin virtuosos. Unlike moi. When I get me stradivarius fired up, there's no holding me back."

Latest reports suggest that Carol Vorderman and Demi Moore are weak at the knees and prone to sudden hot flushes.

In Dorking.

Alf Starling is 103 and still mad for it. Violin playing? Nobody does it better than Alf. Nigel Kennedy and Vanessa May are still no more than young pretenders.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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