Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 19 November 2011

image for Harry Out Of One Direction Spotted Out With Demi Moore In Dorking - Ashton Kutcher Furious
Move Over Hollywood - Dorking Is On The Rise

US star Ashton Kutcher is apparently as mad as a suitcase full of fruit bats after reports streamed out of Dorking stating that his estranged wife, Demi Moore had been seen cosying up to Harry out of One Direction, over pints of beer in JD Wetherspoon's in the town.

"This stuff is nuts!" Kutcher raged on his Twatter site. "Demi doesn't even know where Dorking is!" and in a subsequent Twatt - "Who the hell is 'Harry out of One Direction' anyway? I never heard of him!"

Insiders report that neither Demi Moore, nor Harry out of One Direction were in the Dorking/Leatherhead/Box Hill area at any time in the previous few days.

It seems that Demi Moore is still somewhere in Los Angeles, and Harry out of One Direction is currently hiding from the press by holing up at Olly Murs's flat and dossing down on his sofa.

This isn't the first time that scurrilous reports have streamed out of Dorking - the town now rivals Wapping as the world HQ for scandal, but probably without the phone hacking and definitely not on a par as far as chequebook journalism goes.

"It'll be them buggers from 'The Dorking Review' behind this," Retired army General and lion tamer, Claude Hanns told reporters. "They're buggers, that lot. They've spread all sorts of jocular rumours since they settled here. You never know when to believe the blighters. They've been warning the town about a birdman, people getting catapulted off stairlifts, fart sensors, WI witchcraft orgies, people taking pythons out for a walk, colonies of fruit bats sharing lofts with snow leopards and a Victorian era detective, and transvestite YouTube videos they posted themselves on Halloween. They're all quite mad if you ask me. But we like 'em."

When our reporter contacted Demi Moore and Harry out of One Direction for their responses to Mr Kutcher's complaints on Twatter, he was told that Harry out of One Direction was still crashed out on Olly Murs's sofa, and Demi Moore was busy negotiating an exclusive interview with Hollywood Spotlight Magazine, a subsidiary of The Skoob Entertainment News Conglomerate.

'The Dorking Review' is available from all disreputable outlets at nine pound fifty in British dosh, or fourteen ninety-five in Yankee, Canadian, or Australian dollars dosh.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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