Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 20 September 2011

image for Dancing With The Stars Premiers With Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest Finishing In 12th Place Out of 12 Celebrity Dancers
Ron Artest presented autographed basketballs to the three judges Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli, and Carrie Ann Inaba.

HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars premiered with a brand new multi-million dollar dance set. Bruno Tonioli has a new spray tan. Carrie Ann Inaba has a new bikini wax job, and co-host Brooke Burke has a new name Brooke Burke-Charvet.

The Harold Wheeler Orchestra added a maracas player, a marimba player, a harpist, and a vuvuzela player.

Wheeler said that he had his quartet of singers take singing lessons from Celine Dion over the summer so that they will all be able to hit the high notes in songs that they sing by Neil Young, Roy Orbison, and Mariah Carey.

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest, who has changed his name to Metta World Peace is partnered with new professional dancer Peta Murgatoyd who is trying her very best not to get stepped on by the 6-foot-7-inch tall, 260 pound round ball player. Artest danced to the old Helen Reddy song "I Am Woman" and he scored 14 points out of a possible 30, coming in 12th, AKA last.

Rob Kardashian, of the TV reality show Growing Up Kardashian is paired with Cheryl Burke who has told him that he better not give her any of that infamous Kardashian attitude or she will haul off and kick him in his nads so hard, his sisters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney will all yell "Ouch!" RobKar tied for 9th place as he danced to the country music classic "Okie From Muskogee."

And one of this years best looking female celebrity dancers is Kristin Cavallari who appeared in the series The Hills. Kristin was recently dumped by her boyfriend, Chicago Bears quarterback Jake Cutler who really needs to have his head examined because the boy has apparently taken way too many hits to his noggin.

Kristin is truly one heck of a gorgeously sexy-looking young lady. She came in 5th but she should stick around because she is definitely this year's eye candy. Her partner Mark Ballas is reportedly having a hard time trying to keep his tongue in his mouth. The pair danced to the song "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah."

Another very attractive contestant is Chynna Phillips, the daughter of Michelle and John Phillips of the 60s icon folk band The Mamas & The Papas. Chynna danced the cha cha cha with her partner Tony Dovolani and Tony says that after dancing with Kate "Graceless" Gosselin two years ago and then with Kirstie "Attitude" Alley last year, that it is really fabulous to get to dance with a woman who is so down-to-earth and who isn't complaining, whining, or bitching every 45 seconds.

Chynna and Tony tied for 1st place after dancing to the song by Steam, "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." The former singer with the all-girl band Wilson Phillips said that she is planning on taking the money she gets from her appearance on DWTS and producing an album for her good friend Ke$ha.

TV legal commentator Nancy Grace is paired with newcomer Tristan McManus, who has the strongest Scottish accent of anyone in America. Nancy looks to be about 4-feet-10-inches tall and has the roundest body of anyone on this years show.

She and Tristy danced to the Simon and Garfunkel song "Mrs. Robinson" and almost had one of her tata's pop out of her low cut dress. She finished in 8th place and said that if the judges begin to say mean-spirited things to her she will not hesitate to file a lawsuit.

And David Arquette danced the Viennese Waltz with Kym Johnson. He took 5th place and said that he is glad that he gave up drinking because if he hadn't he would be seeing at least two Kym's and he would not know which one to hold. The song he and Kym choose was the old country classic "Tumbling Tumbleweeds."

Elisabetta Canalis, an Italian model who until recently had been George Clooney's girlfriend danced the cha cha cha to "The Chattanooga Choo-Choo" with her partner Val Chmerkovskiy.

Val is the younger brother of "The Bad Boy of The Ballroom" Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Canalis is quite a long legged girl, ala Clooney's new girlfriend Stacy Keibler, but Betta just does not appear to have very much rhythm. She came in 11th in the judges voting.

According to Carolina Chipotle, who speaks Italian, Miss Canalis called Bruno, Len, and Carrie Ann lots and lots of nasty, vulgar names in Italian none of which can be printed in this family publication.

Soccer star Hope Solo is Maksim Chmerkovskiy's partner. Solo is probably the only dance partner that Maks has ever had who actually has more muscles and bigger muscles than he does.

Maksim did not want the word put out but Hope said that so far her and Maks have arm wrestled a total of 19 times and her record is 19-0. The judges votes put her in 3rd place. Hope and Maks danced to the song "Guantanamera."

Carson Kressley who is a fashion expert danced with the very outgoing Russian goddess Anna Trebunskaya. Len Goodman said that Kressley has more energy than half a dozen Ever Ready bunnies.

The fashionista came out tied for 7th place and danced up a storm with a song by The Doors aptly named "Riders of The Storm" which the band speeded up in triple time.

Bruno "The Gaytalian" Tonioli told Carson that he has beautiful eyes, dainty hands, a sweet smile, and a pretty crotch.

Afghanistan War veteran J.R. Martinez is paired with the heavy accented Ukrainian Karina Smirnoff [Pronounced: VOD-KA]. They tied for 1st place and did a great job dancing to America's "Horse With No Name."

Former talk show host Ricki Lake who seems to have gone on Oprah Winfrey's patented 'Yo Yo Diet' told her partner Derek Hough that she wants to lose her love handles, saddlebags, thunder thighs, bingo wings, and her second butt.

Derek "The Dancing Dude" reminded her that she is appearing on Dancing With The Stars and not on The Biggest Loser. They danced to Richie Valens "La Bamba" and took 4th place.

And last but certainly not least was the guy formerly known as Chastity Bono, Chaz Bono who is now a man courtesy of Dr. Barnum F. Fingerfield, III. Chaz who is extremely heavy or actually extremely fat has lots of tattoos, facial hair, and talks like 91 percent of the guys.

Hearing him talk one would never guess that he once used to wear dresses, high heels, bikini bathing suits, bras, and tampons. Chaz tied for second place choosing a song from the 50s appropriately titled "The Banana Boat Song."

TV ClickerWorld reporter Achtung Zumwalt stated that he purchased a woodchuck from The Tarzan and Jane Petting Zoo in Tarzana back in June. He says that he has spent over 200 man-hours training it to pick the celebrity (by having it point to a photo) that it thinks will be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars each week after the viewers vote. The first celebrity that Woody The Wonder Woodchuck has picked to be eliminated is Nancy Grace.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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