Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 15 September 2011

image for Jessica Simpson and Her Fiance's Wedding May Be Cancelled Due To The Wedding Cake
Jessica Simpson shown the day after Eric Johnson asked her to marry him. (Photo courtesy of Ke$ha).

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - In a situation that can only be listed under the heading of "So you thought you had seen and heard it all," comes word that the Jessica Simpson-Eric Johnson wedding scheduled for November 11, may not be taking place after all due to a dispute regarding the wedding cake.

A close friend of the future bride (?) identified as Kyndi "Vitamins" Wafflinberger, 32, and who gave her weight as 107 pounds, stated that Jess told her that Eric is starting to become somewhat difficult as the special "Rice Day" draws closer.

Simpson, who is perhaps better known as being the ex-girlfriend of Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony "Oops" Romo, said with tears in her eyes that Eric, a former NFL player himself is insisting on having a vegan wedding cake.

Jessica added that her fiance is turning into a "Groomzilla" who said that he also wants to have vegan hors d'oeuvres, vegan food, vegan dessert, and vegan Margaritas.

He has even insisted on hiring a band that is made up of all vegan band members. Jessica had to make about 400 calls before she finally was able to locate an all-vegan band, Oslo Ollie & The Feisty Fjord Frolickers which she will have flown in from Oslo, Norway at a tremendous expense.

Johnson is also insisting on having a certain kind of deluxe supreme throwing rice. This special rice is only found growing in specially designed greenhouses which Simpson's father is having to import from The Giggling Geisha Girl Rice Company of Shenzhen, China.

Many of Jessica's family and friends have RSVP'd her and told her that if she goes on with this ridiculous all-vegan wedding that they will not be attending.

Wafflinberger has said that Jessica told her in strictest confidence that she is at her wit's end and she may just completely cancel the whole wedding plans and either elope with Eric or else dump his picky, vegan-obsessed ass and try to find a new boyfriend who isn't so mother effen metro (her words).

Jessica's sister Ashlee said that Jess is so upset that a lot of her eyebrow hair is falling out, her cleavage is developing hive-like blemishes, and her groin region is actually starting to make some strange noises.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I called up my good old pal Larry King and I asked him about the strange noises. He was able to confirm that Jessica's groin region is in fact making some amazingly strange noises that can best be described as sounding like wooden floor creaks.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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