Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 14 September 2011

image for Sandra Bullock Gets Her Heart Broken Again As Boyfriend Ryan Reynolds Tells Her She Won't Be Hearing Any Wedding Bells
Sandra Bullock relaxing out in the backyard of her Austin mansion. (Photo courtesy of Willie Nelson).

AUSTIN - Sandra Bullock has had more ups and downs this past year than Coney Island's Cyclone Roller Coaster.

The Hollywood starlet has just about gotten over her heartbreak at the blatant unfaithfulness of her now ex-husband Jesse "Wiener With Feet" James who seemed to have some kind of direct correlation between his dip stick and skanky women with oodles and oodles of tattoos.

After her divorce from "Messy" Jesse, Bullock dated George Clooney who had just ended a two-year tempestuous relationship with Elisabetta Canalis who will be appearing on this year's edition of Dancing With The Stars.

Sandra remarked to Bedroom Pillow Talk's Carolina Chipotle that she and George found out that they shared an intense love for why did the chicken cross the road jokes, jokes about Jay Leno's gigantic chin, and fun-filled geographical stories about Alaska's most famous hockey mama Sarah "Caribou Hormones" Palin.

After Clooney put Bullock on the backburner and took up with the long lusciously-legged Stacy Keibler (Bullock) found comfort in the arms of Ryan Reynolds ex-husband of Scarlett Johansson, who interestingly enough Sandra had put a girl-to-girl lip lock on when both had appeared on the nationally televised 2010 MTV Music Awards Show.

But now it appears that Ryan has informed Sandra that she will not be hearing any wedding bells since he misses ScarJo, who up until recently was doing a whole bunch of mattress frolocking with Sean Penn.

BPT reported that Penn, who kind of resembles Newt Gingrich, except without the gray hair, chubby cheeks, and effeminate mannerisms, is old enough to be Scarlett's father and in fact he is actually old enough to be the father of most of Hollywood's young starlets.

Reynolds has reportedly been seen dressed in old tattered shorts and a wrinkled Green Lantern T-shirt crying in his beer at several bars and lounges in the Greater Los Angeles area.

A heartbroken Bullock meanwhile says that as it turns out she appears to have a bigger pair of onions than "Cryin" Ryan and she wishes that he and males like him would start acting like grown up men instead of like little boys who go around playing with Brett Favre Football Action Figure Dolls.

When Ryan was told about Bullock's onions comment by Miss Chipotle he was at shocked at first. He then became angry. And then, yes, sad to say he started to cry.

"Chippy" asked him why the hell he was crying when he was the one who had dumped Bullock.

Ryan wiped away a tear from his nose and said that he realizes that it would not have worked out with Bullock due to the fact that she is old enough to be his much older sister.

Reynolds also pointed out that Sandra "The Cougar" has a very nasty habit of dipping snuff, also known as chewing smokeless tobacco.

One of Bullock's closest friends Desdemona Poggenpohl, 39, has told Sandy that she is going to try to do everything within her power to see to it that she drops her filthy habit.

Poggenpohl added with extreme concern that if Bullock does not give up this nasty, disgusting habit soon that she may find herself living all alone like that old GOP mouthpiece Ann "Trigger Face" Coulter.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Sandra Bullock is 47. Ryan Reynolds is 34. Scarlett Johansson is 26. And Faith Hill will be 43 on Wednesday, September 21.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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