Calls for Sexually Transmitted Diseases to be floated on the stock market

For the first time in over a decade there has been a drop in the number of new sexually transmitted infections in England, figures show.

The Health Protection Agency says increased screening for diseases like chlamydia has helped. For the first time rates of this disease show no rise and remain stable.

This has prompted calls for STD's to be floated on the stock market, as there is money to be made.

Stock Market traders Fivex have run tests to see how different diseases might fare. Initial results were mixed. CEO Johnny Rubbers told us, "After one day on our virtual mock-up Chlamydia stabilised at 189,612 people per year, Genital warts were down 3% to 75,615, Syphilis down 8% to 2,624 in 2010. However Gonorrhoea was up 3% to 16,531 and Genital herpes was up a massive 8% to 29,703.

At this time I feel that Genital herpes is probably the way forward for investors," Mr. Rubbers concluded.

Fivex researcher Mike Ockleaks said, "I went to an STD clinic the other day and all the girls in the waiting room looked filthy! I remember thinking to myself, "I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as some of these girls!" Then I remembered she was, and that's why I was there."

Mr. Ockleaks adds, "In fact, my girlfriend is considered a Market Leader. She's had the clap so often the clinic refer to it as 'applause'."

Fivex conclude that there is definitely a case for STD investment as we live in a minge-minging, dick-dripping, knob-rotting syphilisation.