Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 4 April 2011

image for Company Patents New Urinal Design, Reports Increased Flow of Sales
New Kirby Stalls waiting for customers

The Porcelain Throne Company, announced a new commercial urinal for the bar/restaurant and hotel market last week, after winning a patent on the radical new design. Response to the new urinal named "The Kirby", has reportedly overwhelmed the factory with requests for the product already on backorder.

Peter Evinstreme, chief porcelain designer and PTC co-owner was not surprised at the response by bar and hotel customers. "It saves them on bathroom cleaning costs, and quite frankly, keeps male customers at their establishments longer".

The new multi-function design looks a bit like an over sized, rounded edge funnel with various attachments on either side. Evinstreme described the protocol associated with the new technology. "A patron unzips and approaches the Kirby. Arms on both sides of the urinal grab the patron and hold him steady against the funnel. The custom fit and extreme suction captures all the liquid without splashing, washes the gentleman's bits with warm water, drying it all with a heavy stream of hot air".

Some critics say the design is a bit over the top, given the suggested retail price and functions in excess of urine collection. "Have you ever seen a drunk try to take a leak?" asks Evinstreme. "They can't stand still. Half winds up on their pants, the other half winds up on the floor. Frankly the Kirby is quite an enjoyable and very cleansing experience".

Patrons seem to support Evinstreme's claims. "It's quite pleasant", said one businessman after his fourth trip to the Kirby, while one local bar owner beamed, "The floor has been clean for a week, I shit you not. That is simply unheard of, especially after dollar beer night".

When asked about the inspiration for the product name, Evinstreme smiled and recounted a story from his youth. "My mom always had a strange looking vacuum cleaner that literally sucked every spec of dust from our carpets. Nothing sucked like that Kirby."

While all male patrons seem to enjoy the Kirby experience, some are not able to quickly return to the bar area. "It is extremely pleasant", said one man who prefers to remain nameless, "But it takes a while before I can successfully zip my fly back up, if you know what I mean." Evinstreme was aware of the potential excitable side effect and is working on adjustable controls to dial down the suction power. "That will be the Kirby Junior model, slated for 2012 production".

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