Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Green, mountain

Saturday, 17 September 2005

image for Proctor and Gamble Announces New, Improved Tide
A new, improved TIde will be released and marketed this week.

For the 86th time in the last 75 years, Proctor and Gamble has announced New, Improved Tide. In the past, they have had Tide, Clean Breeze Tide, Mountain Spring Tide, Foaming Action Tide, Tide with Green Power Crystals, Tide with Blue Power Crystals, Tide with Blue and Green Power Crystals, Ocean Fresh Tide, Tide with Bleach, Original Scent Tide, Tide Free, Spring Scent Tide, .Color Protection Tide, Maximum Strenth Tide, Super Tide, Liquid Tide, Tide in Bags, Tide with a little scoop, Tide with a different color little scoop, Concentrated Tide, Chocolate Flavored Tide, Breath Freshening Tide, ......

The difference between this box of Tide and the others? Company Public Relations Director Skip Monthly had this to say: "Tide has been in an orangy box for as long as we can remember. No, we are not adding an orange scent because some of our competitors already have that. What we are doing is revitalizing our image in the market place. We are releasing a new box that shows how Tide is important to you to keep your laundry clean. Our box jumps off of the shelf and into your cart and screams "You need me to get the stains out of your clothes and keep them clean." We think we have a winner here.

When asked what made this a new or imporved product over the Tide already on the shelf, Monthly simply repeated his statement from the above paragraph.

Dr. Jason Clipboard of the Harvard Business School was asked about brand reinvention and marketing. He said the following in an exclusive interview: "Products feel the need to re-invent themselves occasionally to stay in the public image. Unfortunately, most consumers do not see this. Foolish shoppers will purchase the product simply because they percieve it to be better than what they normally buy, when all they are doing is changing the color on the box or adding a different scent. The average consumer has the brains of a Yale student and should not be allowed to shop unsupervised. They fall for the slogans and and catch phrases and sing the jingles as they walk down the grocery store aisles. There is nothing newer or better about these products; laundry soap is laundry soap."

When asked what product he used, Clipboard said that "I buy all temperature Cheer with black color guard for it's stain fighting properties and color protection and because the girls on their commercials have bigger hooters."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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