Ohio -- Sales of extra-large dog crates skyrocketed at PetsRUS locations nationwide following a seemingly shocking report of foster parents who locked their 11 kids in wooden cages every night. According to several neighbors, "The kids were polite, well dressed, and did well in school -- not like other kids in this 'hood."
Parents across the nation are apparently following the Ohio foster parents lead in caging their kids. "They're sick of unruly, ungrateful, back-talking little brats." According to PetsRUS spokesperson Tabitha Ferrel, "We don't ask people whether or not they own a Saint Bernard. We sell cages. Period. All I can say is that a Rottweiler with an IQ of 110 couldn't escape from one of these things even if canines had opposable digits.
Painted in primary colors, the wooden cages filling the second floor were "for the kids' own protection" claimed the Ohio parents. Having adopted and cared for 11 children unwanted by society, most with varying degrees of mental disabilities, including fetal alcohol syndrome, protecting the kids from each other during the night may have been, in hindsite, a worthwhile goal. "No one wants to feel fear, or be in danger, especially at night, when they are trying to sleep. That's known as terror." Even prisoners in jail appreciate nightime lockdowns." acknowledged psychologist Peter Maxx. "Its the one time they can truly feel safe."
Designers working for PetsRUS are reportedly working on a cage large enough for a teenager. "It might resemble Martha Stewart's jail cell, and come in pre-fab pieces that parents can assemble in a corner of their teenagers room. No more sneaking out at night, boyfriends sneaking in, and by leaving the TV, stereo, and Playstation outside of the cage, you can control what teenagers watch and when. "It can also help you cut down on their junk food consumption."
Dog training has been revolutionized in recent years with putting animals in a cage at night, starting as infants, which makes potty training significantly easier since most animals won't soil their cage or "den." "Go to your cage" is an effective, yet non physical punishment that ought to work just as well on teenagers as pets, once you take away the cellphone and other distractions," said Maxx.
In other news, chimpanzees from a Zoo near Royal Nebraska recently escaped their cage.
Zoo Director Les Marksman suggested a padlock on the cage was not completely locked after cleaning and this allowed the animals to escape Saturday. The possibility the animals learned how to pick the lock was vehemently denied.
The chimpanzees reportedly converged on a car adorned with New Hampshire "Live Free or Die" license plates, after tranquilizer darts failed to work and gunfire ended their day of freedom.