Written by Anan E Maus
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Topics: torture, Coffee, Donuts

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

CANTON, Mass. - More employees of Dunkan Donuts, suspected of being part of a plot to funnel secret doughnut and coffee-making information to it's host of competitors, were arrested and jailed today, as part of a region wide crackdown on secret-leakage.

The leaks have plagued the company for the past several years and reached a head recently, as more and more secrets are being filtered out and either sold to competitors for a nominal fee, high above the average wages and costs of living of many menial Dunkan Donuts employees, or are posted onto Wikileaks.

Corporate President Kiel Wussell has stated that he will not tolerate these incessant leaks, and that the Dunkan Donuts Prison, Latteworth; built for the purpose of incarcerating spies some four years ago, when leaks emanating from the company were at their all-time high; will be renovated and enlarged and all spies, even those merely suspected of being spies for rival companies, will be apprehended and immediately incarcerated in a bold, totalitarian move aimed at deterring and preventing further insurgencies, spies and leaks.

It was this reporter's grand privilege to be allowed a tour of this super-secret penal facility.

It is a large, ashen cinderblock building located at 1234 Fatfooad Street, in Canton, Massachusetts-the very same city that houses the corporate offices of the immense, transnational company.

Some 450 guards, most one-time employees of various Dunkan Donuts stores, locations and franchises, patrol the facility that contains at least 29 prisoners, all ex-employees of the Dunkan Donuts system.

Most of the cells are small and rather circular, with their respective commodes being placed in the center, and the bars are frosted with a slippery, viscous substance similar to honey-glaze.

The chains that bind many of the prisoners to their walls, cots and/or cells, but allow them room to move and the freedom to reach their toilets, are composed of ancient, stale, evil-smelling doughnuts, and are treated with a compound that makes them utterly unbreakable.

There are at least ninety torture chambers located in the facility and most of their tortures feature a variation on the theme of the products of the Dunkan Donuts system: coffee, OJ, and doughnuts.

In the worst torture chambers, reserved for the staunchest, most uncooperative and uncommunicative prisoners, a giant vat of boiling hot coffee, often DD's signature French Vanilla flavored, constantly is filled and then sluices nearby it, rain the dreaded, heated, scalding liquid onto chained prisoners in a usually vain effort to get them to talk.

Vain, because the scaldings and searings often incapacitate the victims for several days.

In another room, stale doughnuts scrounged from the vilest and dirtiest of Manhattan's 100,000 trash bins are served to victims, who must eat them.

Often they are force-fed them.

In yet another torture-room, a large vat of refrigerated, chilled Orange Juice, usually of the Tropicana brand, is sluiced down grates to chained victims to chill them, or to soak and ease them after the coffee scaldings-in this way, and only in this way, this one room acts as the infirmary of the prison, which, other than this one OJ room, has none.

This reporter, perhaps in a stunt geared to endow the company with blissful, good publicity, was allowed to experience life as a prisoner, being chained to doughnuts in doughnut-shaped rooms and having, thankfully for me, lukewarm coffee poured down on me in one torture room, and chilled OJ served to me, with fresh, tender, delicious doughnuts in another.

All in all, it seems that the Dunkan Donuts Corporation, long feared for it's fierce external and internal tactics against all enemies, foreign and domestic, is actually quite friendly and nice-to the customers whose dollars support and perpetuate it's vile regime.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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