Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Friday, 7 October 2005

The next trip you take to your local pharmacy may not be as painful as it has been in the past. At least that is what the decision-makers at the Walgreen's corporate offices are hoping.

Starting in September all of the 419 Walgreen's Pharmacy chain stores will be equipped with checkout registers specifically for problem customers, or "dumbasses", as they are known by the customers in line behind them.

"We really feel that this will clear up a lot of issues in our stores," says Northwest Region Director Joe Schmidt. "Walgreen's knows that we can never give our customers back the precious hours of their lives that were lost in our lines prior to September, but this is our way of saying ‘Thanks; We're thinking about you'."

Each store will now have a designated portion especially for those customers that aren't able to figure out simple concepts such as coupon expiration dates, or question the validity of each and every price tag. These areas, already being dubbed the "tard lines" by some Walgreen's employees, should ensure that a large portion of Walgreen's customers will now be protected from long, unnecessary waits.

"I think it is a great idea," says Brian Skinner of Tacoma, WA. "I shop at Walgreen's three or four times a month and I'm always behind some stupid old hag that is trying to get another nickel off of expired Cadbury eggs or better yet, this one time I was behind an old guy that kept trying to pay with his driver's license. Without fail, I go in for what is supposed to be a thirty second trip and end up wishing I had access to a biohazard lab."

Local store managers are now being trained to handle dumb-ass customers. "It can be tricky," said Rick Osbourne, acting manager for branch #221 in Orem, UT "but when you get down to it most of these folks we single out know they're horrible people that should be locked away from the rest of the world. All we're doing at Walgreen's is acknowledging that fact with this new line."

Procedure dictates that anyone taking over fifteen seconds per item, for example two minutes for eight items, will automatically be assigned to the Dumb-ass line on their next visit. Additionally any potential customer trying to enter the pharmacy through the "out" door and does not immediately recognize their mistake will be marked for the line in advance.

Walgreen's will compile and share all Dumb-ass information through the same database that product codes are supplied. Any customers that do not comply with the new rules will be unceremoniously asked to leave the 24-hour pharmacy and not return.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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