Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Washington, Seattle

Friday, 7 October 2005

Seattle, Washington - "If it can kill you - We have it!" is the stores motto. So… what do they sell?

"Our stores carry all the popular legal products used for self-destruction; tobacco, hard liquor, fatty foods, sugary treats and firearms. We have created three convenient locations for our customers to choose from," a spokesperson told reporters.

The Seattle City Council came up with the "novel" idea, to house all these products in one place, in order to collect, what they called, their "sin" tax. This new tax has been attached to products the council has deemed legal and harmful, currently sold within the city limits.

"We use to have state liquor stores, which we have abolished in the city, in favor of these "all in one" sin stores. We are using the taxes we collect in these stores to fund several transportation projects in Seattle. It was too hard to collect the sin tax from individual merchants. So the stores were the only viable alternative.

One Councilman told us, "These foods are not what one would call "health" friendly, and we plan to keep it that way. We figure if we can kill our citizens off early, it will save us a bundle in long-term costs later on. It just makes sense, less seniors, less health care dollars spent."

The food section is selling what they call "Cardiovascular Disease in a Bun."
"Three all meat patties, four strips of bacon and two double yolk eggs. Each burger contains 5000grams of fat. It's a best seller," a manager for one of the stores said.
Other menu items include:
1. Pork fried Twinkies, known as "Pinkies".
2. The "I want to be a Diabetic" cookie made from high-octane sugar and held together with corn syrup and marshmallows.
3. The "Lard Roll in Spandex" a large pork sausage housed in a tight bacon casing.

"We also decided to carry firearms for those people who wish to ‘get it over with' in one clean shot. Each gun is sold with an attached contract that states that the gun will only be used for self-destruction and not homicide. An instruction book is included that clearly illustrates how to use the gun properly, to ensure success."

The liquor that can be purchased includes Mad Dog and other fortified wines, 500% proof vodka, and a new product they are calling "Ring around the Bathtub Gin." They recently stopped selling red wine, after an AMA cardiology study; found that red wine was good for the heart. "We can't have anything ‘heart' friendly in this store, it just wouldn't be right."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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