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Tuesday, 19 April 2005

image for Qwest wins bid for MCI: Paul McCartney tickets did the trick
Sir Paul prepares to meet MCI Board of Directors

Denver-Qwest Communications (NYSE: Q) has stubbornly refused to drop its bid to take over MCI. Mr. Heywood Jablowmi, CFO of Qwest, carried out his quarterly conference call today with investors, fund managers and business reporters. "Those bastards at MCI were saying that I'm ‘stalking' them. The CEO of MCI had a restraining order put in place against me and now I have to stay at least 100 yards away from him," said Jablowmi. "They even canceled my long-distance account.

"But I won't take ‘no' for an answer. After our $100 Billion dollar offer didn't work with MCI, we had to come up with something even more clever. The gears in my head have been spinning out of control ever since.

"I determined that we could furlough as many as 90,000 employees-simply because of redundancies and whatnot. We've got way too many employees anyway. I thought if anything would impress you Wall Street types, that would be it. But no!
Some smart-ass pointed out that we only have 40,000 employees right now. That's about the same as MCI. We were completely prepared to hire as many employees as we needed to meet our eventual lay-off goals-but even that wasn't good enough.

"Shares didn't work. Cash didn't work. The promise of sacking innocent working-class stiffs and throwing them to the dogs didn't work. Finally-it hit me! I heard it on the radio today and I knew I had it! Paul McCartney is playing another concert tour in the U.S.-and so Qwest's latest offer is simply this: every MCI share-holder of record-all 5 million of them-will get a pair of front row (not less than 5th row really) center (no more than 10 seats from center really) tickets for the show nearest them. My secretary faxed this latest offer to the MCI offices just this afternoon, and I'm excited and proud to say that it has been accepted, subject to shareholder approval of course, and the blessings of the Board of Directors of MCI. Each of them is getting an ‘all-access' pass though-in addition to tickets-and Sir Paul has already promised a ‘meet and greet' so we're Golden!"

Gilbert Gleeb, an analyst for A.G. Edwards in St. Louis was cautiously optimistic that this deal would go through. "Qwest has established a $2.5 Billion line of credit, and MCI has another $5 Billion in the bank. My gut is that this is going to work out just fine for all concerned."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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