Written by Charpa93
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Monday, 12 July 2010

image for Wal-Mart introduces first ever drive-thru window; Traffic backed up for miles.

Tempers flared and cars overheated as shoppers, eager to try out Wal-Mart's new drive-thru window, waited in traffic for hours to sidle up the store to do their grocery shopping.

The fact that there was a strict 20-items only rule conspicuously posted in several places near the drive-up window didn't deter would-be shoppers from asking for sometimes more than 30 items to be placed in their shopping bags to be picked up at the next window.

"It was total mayhem," claims Mildred Grumbly, sitting outside her vehicle on the side of the road after getting her order of a box of ding dongs, a half gallon of milk, two quarts of rocky-road ice cream and a bake-it-yourself pepperoni pizza. "My car has done quit on me and I'm sitting here trying to eat this dang ice cream as fast as I can with my fingers. I am so disappointed in the service, to say the least."

Other shoppers were equally unimpressed with the premiere of the new service. "They had one lousy window for hundreds of shoppers. What's up with that?" said Dolores Marketset, who does her regular shopping at the Piggly-Wiggly down the street but decided to try out the "convenient new service" as it was being touted.

"Convenient my butt," she said. I'm gonna go back to the old way of doing things, parking my car, and getting one of them motorized carts to take me around the store to do my shopping. If Wal-Mart had played it smart," she said, "they'd a put the money they spent on them drive-thru windows on a few dozen extra electric carts instead to service all the obese customers that comes thru their doors every day."

Intoxicated man arrested by Warren Township Police driving a stolen Wal-Mart electric cart with a case of beer and some beanie-weenies in basket.

George "One-Eye" Flickeroff was arrested on County Road 67 in Warrensville Sunday as he tried to make a getaway driving a stolen Wal-Mart electric cart with various items he'd purchased in the basket. When asked what he thought he was doing, Flickeroff told police he was trying to get his beer home safe without getting another DUI.

Told that he was being charged with possession of stolen property, as well as driving a motorized vehicle without a license and while intoxicated, Flickeroff reportedly told police "I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Last week, you all said I couldn't drive my rider mower to the Stop 'n Go, now I can't use a cart that Wal-Mart specifically puts out there for, and I quote 'the convenience of their disabled customers.' You guys are making it harder and harder for me to enjoy a cold beer at home."

All items marked 50% off are now half off.

This week's specials are listed at the front of the store for your convenience. Any item marked 50% off will be marked down as half off at the registers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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