Written by Bill Licks
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Monday, 12 April 2010

image for Microsoft develops a new phone for babies
'Hello Childline. Yes I'd like to have my parents shot as I really can't stand the sight of them anymore. Thankyou

Microsoft is trying to boost its mobile phone sales by developing phones for babies.
The new phone, called the Cryphone has been developed so that babies will be able to communicate with their parents far more easily.

The phone will use brand new technology which reacts to the baby's movements and noises and will translate these messages via the phone to its parent who will then be able to understand exactly what the baby is trying to say.

President of Microsoft's entertainment and devices division Robert A Crack, gave me an exclusive demonstration of the Cryphone in the nursery of his three month old son.

He attached the phone to a zoo animal mobile hanging above the child's cot and waited whilst his son stirred from his slumber.

At first nothing happened as the little boy just stared into space and gurgled, then all of a sudden he kicked his little legs and the phone reacted by lighting up and began dialling the number of Roberts own mobile phone.

A text message was received by Robert who proudly displayed his phone as he opened the text message.

'Hello Daddy I'm hungry' the message read.

Robert beamed with delight as he felt he could now understand what his son wanted.

His son began to kick his feet more violently and Robert received another text message.

'Hello Daddy, me again. I am REALLY quite hungry'

Robert looked at his son and smiled. His son kicked his legs some more, waved his arms around and moved his head from side to side.

Another text message was received.

'Daddy, will you and the strange man please come closer? '

Robert laughed as he saw how impressed this reporter was and we both peered over the cot at his son and smiled at each other.

The baby stopped moving, smiled at us then broke wind.

A final message was received.

'Smell that you pair of cunts. Now FUCK OFF and leave me alone.'

The Cryphone goes on sale tomorrow for £999 or free when you take out a contract with Spoof Mobile. You must be under 18 months to apply.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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