Written by Stu B
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Topics: british, giant

Thursday, 25 November 2004

image for Danon Quits BT
Talking Berlocks Pays Off Again

Pierre Danon, erudite raconteur, secret lovechild of Bob Monkhouse and Francois Mitterand's house maid and Heir to an enormous Yoghurt empire has announced today his departure from the telecoms Giant British Telecom, despite his claims last week that reports of his imminent departure were "Berlocks"

Danon has announced that he will be heading up Cap Gemini as COO, this news was welcomed by the directors of Atos Origin and PWC. Bodies of CGEY employees have begun to be pulled from the Seine as word has spread.

He has headed up the retail division of the business for the past four years whilst his eyebrows were assigned special projects including a new business incubator and a Pastry School in Nottingham. The division has enjoyed the steady decline of its revenues due to heavy competition under the enigmatic Frenchman's tenure. Nonetheless, plaudits were quick to be issued by his colleagues.

"Yesh, we are very shorry to shee him go, he doesh make a mean apple and cherry flan which alwaysh brightensh up the board meetings, when he attendsh them that ish" said Ben Verwaaaaaaayyyyen CEO of the the BT group and Danon's erstwhile boss.

Sir Christopher Blonde was unavailable for comment as he was on the phone checking to see if Greg Dyke was still on the market.

In related news Tom Siebel was spotted on the top floor ledge of his San Jose offices this morning threatening to jump. The relationship between the two charismatic business leaders is legendary and a profits warning is now expected from the software giant. "who da hell is gonna buy dis crap now?" shouted the diminutive software guru as he clung to the side of the glass building overlooking I65.

However he was talked back into the building when he realised that he now stands a chance of selling 400,000 new licences to Cap Gemini.

As well as ex BBC Director General Greg Dyke being a possible succesor speculation that Chris Evans, the disgraced former Virgin Radio boss, was in the frame were denied by him as he rummaged through bin bags in Newgate Street. It is expected that the board will look for someone with broadcast exprience as BT Retail has in the past expressed an interest in using broadband technology to push entertainment content to home users, Chris Tarrant denied talks with the selction board as did Emma Bunton.

In a spontaneous outburst of joy, BT retail business units have been organising street carnivals and face painting events to wish the monobrowed megalomaniac a bon voyage.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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