British Gas, the UK's biggest gas and electricity provider gave details of a mammoth 58% increase in pre-tax profits yesterday, denying "epically taking the utter piss out of their customers by comprehensively failing to pass on the collapse in wholesale energy prices to anybody, in any way, at all. Ever."
A spokesman said they saw nothing wrong with the results and defended them.
"We have sent out low energy lightbulbs to our customers, coerced people to have electronic billing and use direct debit, and sent out hammers and chisels to assist in the release of cut-off hard-up pensioners frozen in blocks of ice - at cost price - but we're still fantastically unpopular. So we've had our communications VP disembowelled, as obviously we have a perception issue."
Meanwhile at the offices of a UK gas and electricity watchdog, passers-by heard a barely audible, strange, high-pitched buzzing noise. Subsequently nothing else happened.