Written by Manic Velocity
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Saturday, 4 September 2004

image for Scissors borrowed for unreasonable amount of time
Officer Gern (left) and another man (right)

A pair of Universal Stainless Steel scissors were borrowed today for an unreasonable amount of time in an obvious attempt to make a co-worker's job more difficult.

"Usually when people want something cut out, snipped, or severed, they come to me..." said Mortimer "Morty" Feldman, administrative assistant for Zenith Copy Shop.

"Jane came by my desk and asked to borrow my scissors. I was reluctant at first, but she's a redhead. Are you telling me you're going to refuse that? So of course I caved and handed them over. She gave me that warm smile that would make any man melt, thanked me, and went on her way. She gave no indication whatsoever as to what she was using them for, but regardless, she failed to return them."

The scissors are about five inches long and have a thick orange handle.

"How am I supposed to do my job? Did you see those carefully crafted paper snowflakes as you walked in the building? That was me. Me and my scissors." said Morty.

Asked about the location and condition of Morty's beloved scissors, Jane the redhead had this to say:

"Geez, I didn't think he was going to make a big thing out of it. I borrowed his scissors to help open a shipment of heavy stock paper. John in marketing was borrowing my box-cutters, so I had to use something. It just slipped my mind that I still had them. I've no doubt lost some of his trust due to this, but he needs to come to the realization that this kind of thing will happen in life."

Officer Gern of the Sun County Sherrif's Office (pictured at right) said that an investigation is underway at the request of Morty's father who owns Zenith Copy Shop.

"Why are you taking a picture of me kneeling down? You could've gotten some great shots of me going through Jane's desk." said Officer Gern.

Morty continued to ask to be interviewed: "It's just been really hard. Imagine coming to work and your chair is gone. Imagine coming to work and finding that someone has parked in your space. I've had to live with this for two days. Two days! It's gotten to the point where I lay in bed in the morning questioning whether or not I should even bother to come into the office. What's the point? If I can't do my job, then why even be here?"

When asked what exactly it is he does at Zenith Copy Shop, Morty didn't have much to say. But he did continue on about his scissors.

Developing...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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