Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: TV, Shopping

Thursday, 3 December 2009

image for "Featured on TV" Stores Open Across America

Setting themselves apart from the product lines typically featured on cable television infomercials, "Featured on TV" stores will be opening around U.S. shopping malls this week in an attempt to capitalize on the impulse buying habits of the holiday shopper.

With 70 small stores leased at major shopping malls across America this weekend, the grand opening represents the largest single business venture start up in the month of December. "Our goal is to sell useful, effective and inexpensive products, though maybe a bit off the mainstream", says retail chain President Harold Palms.

Standing next to a display rack of some newly featured products, Palms began to demonstrate what he called "Products with high consumer value". "Meaning cheap", one reporter asked for a clarification. "Yes, basically", replied Palms.

The first product was demonstrated on a countertop covered in fruit juice. Called the "Super Terry Shammy", it appeared to be a series of irregular shaped cotton towel rags sewn together with dental floss. "Not quite as absorbent as it's closest competitor, but it's only three bucks!" Palms announced.

The second product looked like a pair of socks with sponges attached to the bottoms. Calling them "Mop Socks", Palms stepped into a large bucket of caustic cleaning solution and started sliding around the floor. "You exercise as you mop!" After a few seconds, Palms advised that you mop quickly to keep the skin burning to a minimum. Suggested retail; $3.99.

His final product called "Flick Light" was designed to be a portable, cord free light source for closets and other small, dark spaces without lamps. "One flick and you have light!" demonstrates Palms. "But isn't this just a 99 cent disposable cigarette lighter?" asked one reporter. "Of course not. It's a Flik Light. See the logo? Though this product shouldn't be used near anything flammable like clothing in closets, paints and thinners in garages or insulation in dark attics. Other than that it's perfectly safe and only $1."

Featured on TV products require customers to sign a product effectiveness disclaimer and liability waiver before purchase, but that hasn't stopped customers from flooding the stores. One customer commented, "The prices are simply to die for."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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