Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 12 November 2009

image for Popular Toothpaste and Vaginal Cream Companies Merge
Uni-Paste. Mmmm. Minty.

Another recent corporate merger has led to the creation of a new line of products for the consumer. Vagifix and Colpaste companies will now combine their product offerings into a new multi purpose cream.

Based on the science of combining only natural ingredients with cleaning, antiseptic and fragrance qualities, laboratory scientists found that the resulting test products could be used for multiple personal hygiene issues. Dr. Hayman Itzfoamy from Hamilton College in London confirms the pending formulas, "They seem to be safe enough to be used on any of the body's crevices and orifices, no matter how horribly disgusting that might sound".

Marketing executives at the merged company "Uni-Paste" will be targeting the frugal international consumer tired of spending money on multiple products. Pushing their new slogan, "Freshens any crack or hole", television advertising is expected to start this weekend.

"Consumer testing was very positive", says new Uni-Paste president Andy Poketlyner. "Women appreciated the yeast infection treatment qualities, while men appreciated the minty flavor. I'm sorry, were we supposed to be talking about toothpaste?"

"Other consumer test groups yielded unexpected but positive results as well", says Poketlyner. "Our gay test subjects appreciated the multi purpose formula and suggested we re-label the product as Salad Dressing, but we declined".

The product is reportedly safe to use as toothpaste, athletes foot fungus treatment, vaginal cream, hemorrhoid cream, ear canal cleaner, acne treatment, and nut sack freshener. Dr. Itzfoamy says, "It's least effective as a hemorrhoid cream, but when you're stuck on a hot crowded train to Leicester, one wishes more would use it as a bottom freshener."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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