Written by Ulver
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 24 August 2009

image for Monkeys to Regulate Banks
A Financial Regulator today !

In a spectacularly brave move, British Chancellor and All round purveyor of Cock Cheese Alistair Darling has announced that he intends to head the Tories off at the pass and revolutionise Financial Regulation before the next election.

In plans announced at the plush headquarters of the Felchbury and Squelch Credit Union, Darling stated that he intended to replace the senior management of the FSA with Bonobo Monkeys and Chimpanzees.

The move shocked industry insiders, who already thought that the ailing Regulator must have been run by some form of primates, or at the very least a particularly special needs group of wanking chimps.

Mr Darling made the announcement ahead of Tory plans to place the Regulator back under the control of the Bank of England, whom we all know have covered themselves in glory during the recent financial hardship years.

When asked why he had chosen Monkeys, Darling replied "I've always liked Monkeys, Mam and Pap used to take me to Edinburgh Zoo when I was a wee'un and I used to love watching the big old Silver Back milking his double-barrelled yoghurt rifle, flicking the bird, belching and farting and generally being disgusting. let's face it a gang of wanking chimps couldn't do a much worse job than this lot we have at the moment."

FSA insider Charles Ock-Custard confirmed today that it was believed that the FSA had already implemented a pilot of monkey managers within the Small Firms Team, where it seemed quite likely that given recent behaviour the team had been in the grip of wanking chimp management for at least the last 2 years.

Tory Treasury Spokesman Lord Frot of Milt stated today, "This is typical of Darling, trying to head off our brilliant knee-jerk scaremongering, with some of his own. Everyone knows it is virtually impossible for a Chimp to run a world-class regulator given that they spend a great deal of their time wanking and hurling shit at one another. You'd be far better involving a new breed of managers such as those people you see taking rubbish out of bins in Soho, or maybe one of those chappies on that sex offenders register, they spend a lot less time wanking and soiling themselves."

The debate is likely to be taken up in Prime Minister's Question Time next week when it is understood outspoken sex pest and follower of Satan Peter Mandelson will argue for an all new Regulatory Body made up of 1980s male exotic dance troupe the Dream Boys.

Make Ulver's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 3?

1 16 12 14

Go to top ^