Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Thursday, 9 July 2009

image for Oscar Mayer Dies a "Gyros" Death at 95 -- found dead in Sandwich meat locker
How do you spell Baloney?

Los Angeles, California - "He'd always be in here harassing the customers by trying to get them to order a baloney sub sandwich. But they'd always refuse," said Paul Gonzales, franchise deli manager. "They'd tell to his face: 'Look mister,' they'd say to him. 'If I wanted a baloney sandwich, I would have stayed at home."

According to Gonzales, however, that would not stop Oscar Mayer, though elderly.

"He would just move right on to the next customer singing that crazy song form the commercial," continued Gonzales. "I mean it was cute when that kid from that commercial would sing it, but a grown 95-year-old man? It was just sad. Real sad."

"At first we though we were looking at a homicide," said Police Detective, Roger Smith, called to the scene. "But with all the missing inventory, we quickly realized we were dealing with a simple burglary that tragically resulted in the suspects death."

Police will not be able to release the official cause of death until after the coroner's report but they have temporarily listed the cause of death as accidental, refusing to give any further details.

However, police suspect that Oscar Mayer broke into the sandwich establishment sometime last night after hours with the intent of eating up the entire inventory of cold cuts, forcing the owner and customers to finally eat his baloney.

"It looks like he got half way through too," said Gonzales. "He died for nothing, you know. We would have closed for half a day at the most, ordering new inventory rather than serve up his baloney."

Remarkably, as news spread of the tragedy, customers began showing up at the deli franchises everywhere requesting baloney sub sandwiches in memory of Oscar Mayer's passing.

"Oh well, I guess people will buy anything," said Gonzales as he listed a new house sub sandwich special on the overhead menu, which read: Try Our New Baloney Sub Sandwich Special, The Oscar Mayer Gyro. "If it's packaged just right."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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