Bear Carnage Hits The Street!

The bears were out in Wall Street earlier today, as amid scenes not witnessed since the black day of 1929, stocks tumbled faster than pit traders could pick them up.
Worries over oil supplies, terrorism, and the likelihood of Bush not getting his feet back under the Oval Office desk were enough to send investors and speculators alike running for cover as bears ran amok in a blood and guts fuelled frenzy.
As early as 7:45 EST, groups of marauding bears were seen crossing the Hudson, some swimming in groups, others alone. A few chose to drive their own camper vehicles, clearly expecting to be in town overnight.
As the market readied itself for the open, brace-wearing Michael Douglas wannabee's were unaware of the furry toothed hoard heading toward them.
Coony Hick, a derivative dealer at Bank of America was at her desk as usual.
"Yeah i had just come out of the John, and was about to try and make a quick 50K when a big furry foot took the phone out of my hand and ate it. I just could not believe it. I assumed it was some kind of sick student prank, but then i saw the size of the things tackle and realised I was in some trouble."
Hick got away lightly, a quick grope before being rescued by an off duty ice-cream salesman.
Elsewhere, others were to get off less lightly. A large Kodiak bear found his way on to the Merrill Lynch trading floor and managed to eat through one brokers left leg before being led away in special set of four-paw cuffs.
At the main Lehmans dealing room a grizzly scene awaited media and paramedics. Billy 'No-holds' Hobson, 61, caught in the cross fire between two raging Black bears, lost both arms, both legs and the lower half of his body. Weighing in at 500lbs a piece, 'no-holds' was no match for the pair of them - and is likely to remain away from the remains of his desk for the foreseeable future. His manager, Sid Swindler, praised his mans actions in attempting to close a winning trade on Soya while sustaining heavy bites in and around the groin area.
As the trading day wore on things appeared to take a turn for the better when President Bush authorized the release of one thousand prime black bulls; and while many were unfortunately redirected to Central Park by unthinking NYPD traffic police, a good deal made it down to the desks to take up the good fight.
One witness who asked not to be named for fear of being caught exaggerating said. "I tell you man, i was real glad those bulls showed when they did. And they are so polite."
But as the end of day drew closer, events once more took a turn for the worse. A bear gang-leader making some fast back-of-the-beaverskin calculations, realised Yahoo! was on a price to earnings ratio of a hundred. In the chaos that followed, large chunks of the company were bitten into and the remaining bulls found themselves cornered.
The bloodbath that then occurred was so severe, and so traumatic, this reporter is ashamed to say he averted his eyes, but left the audio tape running. The blood curdling screams of those bulls will remain to haunt this reporter to the end of his days, and serve as a reminder to always carry the VCR.