Written by ej moore
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Topics: Cemetery, grave

Thursday, 14 April 2005

image for Sam Walton rises from grave to testify in Wal-Mart class action suit
SAM WALTON: Now a proud Target greeter.

BENTONVILLE, AR - Sam Walton was seen rising from his grave early yesterday wearing only a scowl, and he told a surprised cemetery worker that he was hopping mad at the mess his children have made of the company he worked so hard to build.

"It was a little scary," said Billy Bart Jenkinson who was cleaning Walton's headstone when the retail magnate suddenly emerged from the dirt. "He apologized for scaring me and said he was just angry at his kids. Sam Walton's manners ain't changed a bit."

Walton, who caught a cab outside the cemetery gates, told the taxi driver to take him to the home of his son, John, so that he could commence haunting him for his asinine corporate policies.

"This company has gone to Hell in a hand basket ever since my money-grubbing children took the helm," the cab driver reported Walton said. "I built my company on value and fairness to everyone, and my kids have ruined my good name with their greed for profit - they've displaced local commerce, bought substandard products from foreign countries and now they are disrespecting women."

John Walton was later seen fleeing from his mansion pursued by what numerous onlookers termed "a really pissed-off guy."

"This is most upsetting," John told Today Show's Katie Couric. "Wal-Mart gives millions to charity, and where do people think we get that money? It's from reduced wages for women! It has to come from somewhere!"

After his self-disinterment and the partial haunting of his son, Sam Walton contacted the court handling the class action suit that covers up to 1.6 million current and former female workers, and he informed the judge that he would be testifying for the prosecution.

"It pains me to say this," Walton said later at a press conference, "but I think it's time that everyone started shopping at Target."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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