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Thursday, 26 February 2009

image for Ex-RBS Sir Fred: I'm an innocent penguin
Sir Fred sucks on fish like he knows best

Ex-RBS boss Sir Fred Goodwin has defended himself over charges he demanded a massive £16m pension pot to get out quick.

As Downing Street and the Treasury pressure Sir Fred to give up his £650,000 a year pension, he has rounded on them saying he is innocent.

"I am a penguin," he told reporters outside his newly acquired five-bedroom Dundee council house dressed in casual corduroy trousers and a v-neck sweater.

"Penguins like fish, it is their DNA. Put them in a salmon lake and they eat. I was in that lake and I ate."

He explained as a banker he was genetically programmed to take risks, fight rivals to buy overpriced banks, and receive massive pay-offs whatever the result.

Sir Fred added: "They wanted me out quick, I asked for fish, the board gave a big pail of halibut. I could have had cod but made a gesture.

"They can have the bucket back if they want."

A Downing Street spokesman responded: "Sir Fred's dead... dead right, that is. The prime minster knows there is nothing he can do as he should have dealt with it at the time.

"Not just overseeing the 'kick out of town' pension payoff, but allowing fish-loving penguins to be in control of bank."

George Osborne, demon shadow chancellor, said: "Brown established the tripartite system putting penguins, polar bears and gulls in charge of banks.

"He should take the blame and hand his own pension to Goodwin and sole use of Chequers."

Alistair Darling has defended the Treasury's handling of the pension pay-off.

"Look man, they were fucking crazy times in October. We had no time for nothing.

"If we had stopped to ask, then RBS would have horlicked right up the Jammu. And, when we are dealing with £24 billion losses and £350 billion of rocky assets, what is £16 million between coats of paint.

"At the time it looked like we were going to face an economic nuclear winter with the only growth industries being subsistence farming and prostitution.

"I can't grow turnips and I look terrible in fishnets. Given the choice, £650,000 looks a good deal."

The chancellor added: "To be honest my old farthing, I'm happy for tabloids to get their knickers in a twist about something so trifling as £16 million when we are pissing billions away.

"Let the prols have their scapegoat and ignore the massive institutional problems that led to the mess-up, which they'll never understand ever anyway,"

The news comes as Ladbrokes has suspended betting on the entire government resigning half way through next week's prime ministers questions.

The BBC reports there are rumours ministers "can't be bothered any more".

"What's the point?" a senior housing minister said.

"It's all bollocks."

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