Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 15 October 2008

image for Hilton and Marriott Adopt Protein-Stain Resistant Towels
Clean up after sex, just became easier.

Patented by Dr. Buster Hymens, a bio-chemist from Spit City, Nevada, a new coating that bonds itself to cotton fibers prevents even the worst protein stains from setting. Applied to towels and bedding in the initial wash cycle, the coating still allows all the absorbency expected with thick and plush cotton fabric while blocking common protein stains.

Prototype towels were thrust into two cities for immediate testing and the initial results were exhilarating but perhaps premature. Towel samples retrieved from the Chicken Ranch outside Las Vegas Nevada, were as clean as the day they left the lab, but returned samples from the red light district in Amsterdam showed some residual staining.

Dr. Hymens was disappointed at first but discovered that the Amsterdam towels were not washed after use. A quick penetration into the wash cycle, and the towels looked and felt brand new. No one in the lab volunteered to check towel softness by rubbing them against their skin, but took the doctor's word for it.

Major hotel chains showed a heightened sense of readiness given the number of body-fluid stained towels and sheets they are forced to discard daily. "Dump mustard and pizza grease on the bed and I can get that stain out", says one housekeeping manager at a major hotel chain. "Some of the sheets and towels we get in here on Sunday morning? Well, all I can say is that it must have been one good party. They make for good rags, but not much else."

Dr. Hymens handed out samples for hotel executives to try at home, and knew he would sell the product. The following Monday, Dr. Hymens was approached by Marriott and Hilton for the first coating order, with commitments to purchase more for every hotel in their respective chain.

When asked about the sudden success of the product, Hymens responded, "I tested the towel coating personally at home, a lot actually, and it always came clean, in a manner of speaking. I knew this would be a hit with hotels."

Dr. Hymens has named his product, "Load-Away".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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