Written by Unconfirmed Source
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Topics: Strike, Attacks

Saturday, 29 May 2004

image for UPS Declares War On FEDEX! Gun Battles Erupt Nation Wide!
UPS Stealth Tank!

Unconfirmed Sources report that The United Parcel Service has launched a pre-emptive strike on rival shipping firm Federal Express. UPS Forces launched dozens of coordinated attacks on FedEx processing depots across the nation. During the attacks UPS troops destroyed trucks and equipment and also captured many thousands of packages before withdrawing to heavily fortified UPS Stores and package processing centers.

Fedex, having been totally surprised by the swiftness and ferocity of the attacks, took several hours to regroup and mount a counter strike. Faster Fedex Overnight trucks overtook a few of the slower UPS trucks returning to their depots and recaptured some of the stolen packages. FedEx forces then attacked several lightly defended UPS terminals but by-passed the larger more heavily defended facilities.

Daybreak finds the two companies pulling out of their weaker markets and shifting assets to defend their most profitable areas. New reports confirm that the two companies are now fighting house to house to control specific high value commercial districts nation wide. Heavily armed conveys of several trucks each are now picking up and delivering packages and having running battles in the contested areas.

Elsewhere, behind the front lines, package services are returning to normal. Representatives of each company are fanning out to sign up shippers abandoned during the recent market realignment.

A spokesman for UPS spoke to reporters and financial analysts this morning in a conference call and explained the situation.

"The management team of UPS had decided it was time for a bold move to ensure the survival of our company. Our market has become very competitive recently and we needed to prove to the market that UPS is a strong, vibrant and creative company."

"We decided to follow President Bush's policy of pre-emption and developed a plan called "Next Day Air Kreig". Last night UPS mounted a pre-emptive attack on our largest rival FedEx. This morning we now hold 67% of the residential package delivery market and 72% of the lucrative commercial package delivery market."

"We are pleased to announce that due to our bold action we have achieved a market position that will ensure good financial returns in the coming quarters."

Wall Street seems to be betting on UPS as its share price rose 32% in early trading while FedEx has plunged by 67%.

A statement released by FedEx indicated that it would not cede its market share to UPS and warned that the struggle for dominance of the US package delivery market was just beginning.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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