Written by Steve Shaw
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Topics: Economy, New York

Saturday, 15 May 2004

New York, NY-Traders on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange worked tirelessly today as the demand for heroin skyrocketed across the country, shooting up nearly two hundred percent in value while the rest of the market remained at idle or fell slowly.

"I don't really know what to make of it," said Rob Parks, a floor trader at the NYSE. "It looks like many of our richer clients, seeing that traditional stocks are falling off the wagon are now buying more unconventional things." Parks also pointed out that heroin has not been the only big performer this week. "Other drugs have also seen unprecedented jumps in value over the last few days. Marijuana, cocaine, meth and even valium--all have performed excellently."

Andy Wilson, a market analyst with Merril Lynch explains just why drugs are making the leap to the forefront of traded stocks, "Despite its lucrative nature, heroin is an industry that moves itself. Rarely are there middlemen, and if there are, few live long enough to cause a serious dent in the flow of the industry. Mostly you just have your basic manufacturers and dealers. Some manufacturers even sell direct, cutting cost drastically. However, since the demand is now growing at a rapid pace, I would expect to see prices go up since the margin for profit is so huge."

Indeed, the margin for profit is huge, as is the demand. According to newly released dealer statistics, new customers are coming out in droves, buying out stock faster than it can be replenished. "I tell ya'll," said Smoove Hang, a self described ‘broker of the streets.' "There be some crazy ass bitches out here looking for some fix, and I be slanging it fast as I can, but I ain't never got enough anymore. Actually had to turn some brothas away yesterday. You believe that shit?"

Most analysts are quick to point out that yes, that is some tough shit to believe, and they warn of problems sometime in the near future. "I wouldn't look for long-term investment in controlled substances," said Wilson. "There's always that chance the drug bubble could burst. Not that it will happen, but it could." Wilson also added he is now investing heavily in rehabilitation firms and therapy clinics.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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