Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board Alan Greenspan today announced that the Fed is raising the prime lending rate (the rate charged by the Federal government to financial institutions) from 1% to a whopping 26%, bringing the interest rate from a 46 year low to an all time high. The move was reportedly prompted by Greenspan's desire to "make all you whining bastards see what a really bad economy is like so you'll quit yer bitching."
The announcement prompted investors to pull every penny out of the stock market in favor of moving it to interest bearing savings and checking accounts, causing the Dow to close at 0.00, down 10,241.86 points from this morning's opening of 10,241.86. The Nasdaq was also off 100%, down 1,947.24 to 0.00 from this morning's opening of 1,947.24. Only the S&P 500 retained any of its value, closing at .02, down 1,104.28 from this morning's opening of 1,104.30, prompted by the inaction of one guy named Earl who forgot he owned any stock.
The business world was thrown into chaos when all the officers and directors of every one of the Fortune 1000 corporations simultaneously hurled themselves out of tall buildings, however only a small handful were killed as the pile of bodies of the first victims broke the fall of the rest. The massive influx of cash into the economy weakened the dollar in the global economy to 1 ten thousandth of what its value was this morning and that number is dropping by the second, sparking hyperinflation the likes of which have not been seen outside of Argentina. Almost all personal property in the United States has now been destroyed by the ensuing riots, and when asked why police were not doing more to stem the tide of violence, a high-ranking police official commented under the condition of anonymity, "what are you, fucking nuts?" All existing personal fortunes were wiped out, and as of this writing, the wealthiest man in America is John Simmons, of Des Moines, Iowa, an avid coin collector who spent all of his disposable income on gold coins, and managed to save most of them from the looting and rioting by having the foresight on hearing Greenspan's speech to shove three giant tubes of gold coins up his ass. Fortunately Simmons was a smooth gay bottom boy and had no problem inserting the disproportionately large tubes.
President George W. Bush could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly crying like a little bitch over the news which surely spelled his defeat in November, given that no one other than Simmons has any money to give to a political campaign, and Simmons is a Kerry supporter because of Bush's stand on the gay marriage issue. Presumed Democratic Presidential Nominee Kerry immediately offered the Vice President spot on the ticket to Simmons, who gratefully accepted, given that he is now unemployed as his boss is financially ruined.
When reached for a comment later in the day, Greenspan commented, "Jesus Christ people I was just kidding!"